An Imagined Phone Conversation Between Batman and Robin

Sunday, March 6, 2011 9:16 PM By Simon

Disclaimer: This is the product of a tired young mind avoiding Da Homeworks, the ever-growing pit of nihilism in her gut, and rewatching Teen Titans Season 4. I am not responsible for the shitty shit shittiness of this thing, much like how I'm not responsible for the craptastical TT episode where Beast Boy goes off to work at some burger joint. For fuck's sake.

But really. This is quite terrible. I keep no characteristics of these guys. They're pawns in my crappy joke-telling. En-fucking-joy.


*Ring*

Robin: Yo.

Batman: What?

Robin: *shit* Boy Wonder speaking.

Batman: Trouble in Gotham. Get over here.

Robin: Is it the Joker again?

Batman: ...

Robin: It's the fucking Joker again, isn't it?

Batman: Yeah...

Robin: I am so sick of that guy, Bruce.

Batman: Don't call me by my name!

Robin: We're not bugged. We're never bugged. When have we ever been bugged?

Batman: Probably in some back issue two people bought before they retracted them for an advertising error, I don't know.

Robin: You can handle the Joker yourself, Batty. I've got shit to do.

Batman: Batty?

Robin: Bruce.

Batman: Goddammit.

Robin: Besides, you've handled the Joker dozens of times without me.

Batman: He's got town hall rigged to enough explosives to take down a small country. I need backup.

Robin: Why don't you get Tim to help you then?

Batman: Not with this again.

Robin: You know what really bugs me, though. You couldn't even get him a new costume.

Batman: We've been over this, I don't have time to be designing new disguises--

Robin: The color, Bats. You couldn't just make it purple or something?

Batman: People are getting blown up.

Robin: Do you know how long it'll take to get from Jump City to Gotham?

Batman: Robin, get your fucking Batnipples over here this instant.

Robin: Another thing. I don't wear the Batnipples anymore.

...

Batman: And why the fuck not?

11 comments:

Darren said...

I kinda want to be a fly on the wall for Batman and Robin just hanging out. It sounds like the perfect basis for a sitcom:

"One's a tough vigilante billionaire who breaks bones as often as he breaks cases... The other is a teenage gymnist with green short-shorts and a 9pm curfew... Together, they fight crime."

I just hope that it isn't as dysfunctional as Frank "Batman's gonna make Robin catch and eat rats" Miller's version.

March 7, 2011 at 1:10 AM
Dan said...

"Robin, get your fucking Batnipples over here this instant." - classic!

March 7, 2011 at 5:10 AM
Yojimbo_5 said...

Hmmm. "Language, soldier."

March 7, 2011 at 8:01 AM
Simon said...

Darren: Miller is a twisted little man, but I assure you, it can get worse.

Dan: Thank you kindly.

Yojimbo: I totally know what that means, but let's pretend I don't for a minute.

March 7, 2011 at 12:21 PM
Sebastian Gutierrez said...

You be trippin', yo! That was HI-LAR-I-OUS!!!!

March 8, 2011 at 5:30 AM
Alexa said...

See, this is why procrastination rocks.

March 8, 2011 at 8:21 AM
Luke said...

Wow. Batman and Robin just became even moreso the ultimate Bert and Ernie of superheroes.

March 9, 2011 at 3:10 PM
SugaryCynic said...

I was smiling throughout but it was that last line that killed me XD

March 11, 2011 at 10:25 PM
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