Four of Them

I'm so thoughtful, I'm even linking back to other additions. That's how nice I am!

1: Recess
2: Xiaolin Showdown

Oh, I know, as if you care. Anyway, thus far I've covered Disney Channel and WB shows, so now we must move on to the granddaddy of my upbringing, Cartoon Network.


They're so happy for me.

Okay, so, surely you're at least half-aware of DC Comics, yes? Batman and Superman and all the good, not-stupid-Jean-Gray ones? Well then, you must know who Robin is. Even if you've never heard of Doom Patrol, Young Justice, or Detective Comics, I assure you, you've heard of Batman & Robin. Well, little did you scallywags (I'm trying it out) know, Robin left Batman scratching his Batnipples to lead the Teen Titans. And then he went on to become Nightwing. But that's not important right now. Bitch.

Enough boring-ass exposition. Teen Titans was a cartoon that premiered in the early Naughties (that's its name now. Deal with it.) on Cartoon Network. It followed the PG-ed adventures of the Teen Titans, a five-man-band of sidekicks, comic reliefs, and various characters created specifically for the comic. There was Robin, of bloody fucking course. And, thank Xenu, he was heavily implied (confirmed in the spinoff comic Teen Titans Go!) to be Dick Grayson-Robin, not that little shiteater Jason Todd. So, anyway, instead of the wisecracking Boy Wonder he was in the books, he's now a scowling, hardcore, obsessive, kind of psycho BAMF. Who still wears a T-shirt. But whatever.

Then there's Starfire. I forget if she was made just for the comic, but I wouldn't be surprised. She's an alien from Tamara (have you ever noticed how, whenever an alien planet is in question, everybody on that planet speaks the same language, named after the planet itself. Like, surely there must be some kind of separation between bodies of land? And why the fuck don't we speak Earthian?), who was evidently much more crazy and naked in the books (am I talking too much about them?), but here, she's sixteen-or-so, naive, sweet, and can learn any language by making out with a native speaker of it. She can fly and shoot green lasers from her hands and various orifices. She is also very bubbly. And kind of annoying sometimes. But she gets some funny scenes. Like when she berates drapery.

Next is Beast Boy. Formerly of the Doom Patrol (even wearing the costume), he's a little green boy who thinks he's hilarious, and can shape shift into any animal (and pterodactyls, for some reason). He's the comic relief. And very sad inside, yo. Eats tofu, which people are always ragging on him for, for some sick reason, because as he aptly puts it, "I've been most of those animals", and I think that's a good bloody fucking reason not to eat bacon.

Raven. Half-demon. Constantly doing mental battle with her evil demon father and trying not to destroy the universe. Levitating. Has a rather annoying chant to concentrate her powers and whatnot, something like "Azerath Metrion ZINTHOS!" She must keep her emotions neutral. Voiced by Tara Strong, who voices at least one character on every cartoon show ever. Has been on note as saying "Evil beware. We have waffles." She is awesome.

And, finally, as I'm sure you all are eagerly anticipating, Cyborg. He's a former athelete turned half-robot who always plays video games with Beast Boy and says 'BOOYAH' a lot, because he's black, so he has to say something sassy or us children might get the wrong idea. He can still eat, though, and people tend to fuck with his hard drive, which is on his back, during battles.

To save room, I won't give detailed backgrounds on Terra, earth-manipulating friend/traitor/villain/noble sacrficer, or main villain Slade, who's Deathstroke the Terminator (both names are badass, but the latter kind of pounds the nail a little too far in), and is obsessed with making Robin his apprentice, and is voiced by Ron Perlman, so fuck yeah. Or Speedy, who shows up to be Robin's quasi-clone, or Aqualad, who's voiced by Wil Wheaton, or Bumblebee, who is in latter seasons and I don't remember much of because I only got the first two from the library, or Blackfire, Starfire's bitch sister, or Jinx, a graduate of blah blah blah.

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This show, man. In my day, this was the show. It was one of those cartoons that started out kid-friendly, with enough broad appeal to hook in adults too. Then it got hardcore dark. Lots of mindraping, Raven by Trigon (daddy) and Robin by Slade (wannabe daddy) and Starfire by tons of people, because she's has the innocent mentality of a four-year-old, goddammit. There was a movie, called Trouble in Tokyo. It doubled as the series finale. There might be a Bryan Singer-directed live-action adaption of either the comics or the show (hard to tell, as Robin is the only confirmed character. Batman never shows up, but is lightly alluded to.

What I loved about this show was how funny it was, how it wasn't so lame-humor-then-scowl as all the other superhero shows at the time. It was anime-inspired and the characters sometimes morphed into chibis, and it was manic and weird and not-weird and loud and colorful. What I love now is how it actually has some quality storytelling, and Malcolm McDowell voiced Mad Mod a couple times, where he drops some Clockwork speak and says 'duckies' a lot. I love how it wasn'f afraid to jump into the characters, how fucked-up they are, like how Robin can never lose and he is just on the brink of insanity with Slade, all the traumas they all got in their past, man. And they had Very Special Episodes about racism and arranged marriage and one I'm pretty sure was about steroids.

I love the theme song, by Puffy AmiYumi, a Japanese girl band who got a cartoon, but I never really watched it.

Of course, upon rewatching the first two seasons, I noticed some things. Mostly about Robin. He did the whole pun thing. A lot. He wears a T-shirt. Everytime someone talking, he interrupts them. Like, in the Mad Mod episode, I just wanted someone to scream 'JESUS CHRIST, ROBIN, LET ME FINISH!'.

And, apparently, if he doesn't say 'Titans Go!', everyone would scratch their asses while they got mauled by autonomous cinderblocks.

Some of the Aesops were groan-inducing.

Still. Unbridled joy hits me whenever this show is on. It created it's own mythology in that way only the good shows can. Enjoy clips and such.









And so on.

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Guys. Guys. If you've never heard of this show, I sincerely feel sorry for you. Organize yourselves a telethon.

Fine. So, it's about these dudes call the Xiaolin Dragons, who chill out at the Xiaolin Temple in China, and it was created by Christy Hui. And the main characters were Omi, this tiny little guy who lived at the Temple his whole life, and he was the Dragon of Water, and was yellow and had this huge head, and a lot of the show was cultural clashes with the three new Dragons who are brought in the first episode. There's Kimiko, voiced by that chick who does every single female voice on every single Cartoon Network/Nickelodean/assorted cartoon ever, a Japanese import who, of course, is always wearing this awesome outfits and fucking around with various technological marvels because, of course, her dad owns the biggest company in the world or something. And then there's Raimundo, who's the best character, even though he is often too stupid to live, he's a Brazilian circus performer or something, he always wears a medallian in his street (non-Xiaolin robe) clothes, and he's the "clown" of the group, but that's stupid to say, and the only reason he's not overtly stereotypical is because I don't think there are any well-known Brazilian stereotypes. And Clay, a Texan cowboy (god) who don't fight girls and is all placid and shit.

They are ruled by Master Fung, a wise old monk. Their mission is to gather all the Shen Gong Wu (huge backstory, kind of badass, but fairly long), and whenever a new one activates, their wise-crackin' dragon scroll-guarder Dojo Kanojo Cho senses it, and they go off to whatever part of the world it's at, where they have to battle some villains to get it, usually wannabe supervillain Jack Spicer and his much more sinister floating-head-ghost Wuya, who in the second season gets her body back and, ah, never mind. Anyway, when they do battle, they must declare (wait for it) Xiaolin Showdown, wherein they yell "Gong Yi Tanpai", which means "Begin the Showdown", but apparently it was meant more as a pseudo-Chinese way of saying "Ready Set Go!", and then they used any Shen Gong Wu they had, and it would be one-on-one, except for when it wasn't.

And it was all kind of ridiculous, because a big schtick of Omi's was that he kept fucking up common idioms, like 'kick your but' or 'Mad skills', and someone, mostly Raimundo, would correct him, and I'd be like, how the fuck does he know them? Because they were mostly American idioms, and the only American of the lot was Clay, who spent most of his slang time on long-winded metaphors involving cattle ranching and cacti. Which brings up, are they all really speaking English, or Chinese, or what? Because so far we got Texan English, Chinese, Japanese, Portuguese, and I'll assume Jack Spicer was American. This shit is weird.

I'll admit, the first season was bad. Formulaic and stilted. But then the second season got cooler, and the third season got hardcore. Especially the series finale.

Did you know childrens' TV shows aren't allowed to have official series finales? Because the executives want kids to keep watching reruns in hopes of a new episode. Dicks.

Let's bring this show back! It's so fucking awesome!

Do I sound especially teenager-ish today? Maybe. More uninhibitedy fangirlish.

Every single episode is on Youtube. Go. Watch. It.

Also, it had the best opening ever:

5 Comments

Because I don't feel like reviewing Exit Through the Gift Shop.

1) Recess
A Disney afternoon show (previously on, I dunno, ABC or something), about the goings-on during the recesses of one PS 113, aka Third Street School, specifically centering on six fourth graders making up a regular band o'misfits--TJ, the chubby little leader, Vince, the designated Black Guy who's also really good at sports, Gretchen, nerd with unbelievably big teeth, Spinelli, the badass tomboy chick of indeterminate ethnic makeup, Mikey, the large, pacifistic dude with a Robert Goulet's singing voice, and Gus, the new kid who's son of an army general and is also really, really boring. Trying to thwart their shenanagins is Principal Prickly, who is indeed quite prickly, but also very put upon, and with an admirable mustache, and Miss Finster, the BAMF playground moniter and, I don't know, fifth grade teacher or something.

The animation was terrible (something I didn't quite remember until I recently rewatched what used to be my default afternoon film, Recess: School's Out), the writing could be shit, the characters one-dimensional, and sometimes, quite annoying. But guys. At the time of my viewings--something like first and second grade--this shit was motherfucking accurate. It made schoolyard politics as dramatic and Serious as they felt. Tons of They Call Him Barkeep characters, various dramatic events like rainy days, where you're cooped up in the cafeteria with a bunch of hysterical banshees you didn't realize you had, at best, ambient feelings towards until right then, that one kid who always told on you. This shit? A less gonzo version of my pre-pre-adolescent life.

And let's face it. You love the Kindergartners.

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