Why Christina Aguilera is the most boring singer of all time

Thursday, February 24, 2011 12:26 PM By Simon

If I may be so trangressive as the briefly change the subject matter of this blog completely.

Christina Aguilera. Xtina, if you will. I won't. I've been aware of her for most of my life. As a wee child of six, getting carted off to Kingergarden, I'd hear tidbits from the fourth graders (who, I assure you, were quite menacing back then) about either her or Brittany Spears. Eventually, me and my sister, having heard the music of either of them, or if we had, we couldn't put song to faces (mostly because we didn't really know what they looked like either. It was a long time before we got a cable box)...right. Eventually, we just picked at random who our favorite singer would be. I picked Aguilera, because I liked her name, and I felt all smart being able to spell it.

How proud I was of my choice. In long car rides with friends of Folks, I'd brag that she was so much better than my sister's stupid Brittany. I'd tell friends at school, yo, yo, I know people, I got connections (the only kid in our class who had any non-Disney musical interests was into Michael Jackson, and when, in fourth grade, during The Trial, he went on a cruisade so indignant we were tempted to believe that he was innocent, though nobody knew who he was either). I felt like a grown-up, ya'll.

And then we got cable.

Me and Sister were so psyched-the-fuck-out. We'd finally get to watch Powerpuff Girls somewhere besides the heavily-guarded couch of our rich cousins in Florida! Hazzah!

One day, Mother, bless her heart, came into the room where we now watched our shows (I keep a carbon dating-like record of all the rooms we moved around to. This was the room that would one day be mine, right before we got carted to the future office/dining room, which we left when me and Sister got nightmares from that episode of the Superman animated series that involved ghosts flying into everyone's stomach and eating them or something, it's complicated).

Anyway. She comes in and informs me that Aguilera has a music video on one of the higher stations. Me, enthusiastic that I'd finally get to listen to the music of my favorite singer for the first time, I jumped up and switched the channel (pre-remotes, shut up).

After five minutes, I turned that shit off.

Not fucking worth it.

And here's why:

Christina Aguilera frequently rides on the wave of the latest musical trend. Her big claim to stardom was 'Reflection' from Mulan. She went through a Brittany Spears thing ('Genie in a Bottle'), a Gwen Stefani thing, a hardcore-ballad thing (motherfucking 'You Are Beautiful'), and now appears to be in a Lady GaGa phase. She rarely, if ever, does anything noticeable.

What sucks is that she's a great singer, but she has no charisma to match it. In interviews, she's so non-offensive and tame, making her onstage persona...fake, I guess.

She has no subtly in her songs. She never tones it down. Which is all well and good, if she didn't have to act like every note was her big 'wow, she can sing!' moment.

Have you heard of that song 'Firework', by Katy Perry? There's a reason, as my sister points out, why it's so popular. It's catchy, yes, but Perry's voice is so very not suited for the song. She is not someone who would traditionally sing it. Which makes her vocals, as flat as they can be, interesting. Scratchy and kind of husky and whatnot. It's interesting to hear someone leave their comfort zone.

Christina Aguilera never does this. Everything's her comfort zone, as long as she can scream at the top of her lungs. It's boring. She's boring. She may be remembered, but she'll never be an icon.

*scene*

4 comments:

Andrew: Encore Entertainment said...

Ha. I like Christina, screechy tendencies be damned.

February 24, 2011 at 1:07 PM
Chantale said...

Effing hilarious. It ain't nothin' but runs with that one. Not those runs, the other kind. Although listening to her endless strings of nonsense sometimes make my bowels let go. TMI. Sorry.

February 24, 2011 at 7:36 PM
Dan said...

...that last video she did was nice though. All the risque dance moves! Not that it makes her any less annoying but to be honest I've never stopped to listen to her speak.

February 25, 2011 at 2:59 AM
Simon said...

Andrew: *grumble*

Chantale: What runs? Are there other types of runs? Oh, dear.

Dan: Whatever you say, bro.

February 27, 2011 at 1:29 PM