Why the This Means War trailer annoys the fuck out of me

Saturday, October 15, 2011 3:35 PM By Simon

1) Can a movie be too shiny?

2) You know, once upon a midnight dreary, I used to like Chelsea Handler. But then she started popping up in places outside of that talk show, and I realized she has the comic timing and improve skills of someone with neither of those things. So, to see her show up here, doing her standup/"woohoo-lookit-me-I'm-so-drunk-and-ca-ray-za-za-zay" schtick just kind of makes me pissy. On the other hand, old man.

3) I don't like Reese Witherspoon. Sometimes I do, but most days I don't. Something about the wholesome routine. Something about what appears to be her streak of putting herself in the middle of a whole lot of love triangles lately (Christ, lady, you can't have Christoph Waltz, Robert Pattinson, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, Captain Kirk, and Tom Hardy all vying for your goddamn affections. It doesn't just work like that.)

4) I hate romantic talk. Shit like "this has been the most romantic night". It annoys me, children.

5) Tom Hardy. You have been the Most Violent Prisoner in The British Penal System. You have been one half of what I'm sure is a loving, committed relationship with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Who will be a Tinker-Tailor-Soldier, strike forced Spy division. You will be the goddamn guy that broke the goddamn Batman's goddamn back. This is not how we break into mainstream America.

6) Um. So. I keep forgetting this guy's name, because there's a million guys who're named Chris Something or Ryan Something or what have you, so he shall henceforth be known as Captain Kirk. Or Captain Sexy. Or Captain James T. Kirk-Spock (because they're a modern couple). Egads, what has Tumblr done to me?

7) Why is the fucking CIA just letting them blow each other up? In a motherfucking US city? Who is running our fucking federal task forces?

8) More people hanging out in upscale bars. I'll just be over here with my root beer and my half-high school education and all the financial benefits it allows me and my under-18 car sticker. Fuck the picture shows.

9) Well, at least they let Tom Hardy stay British.

10) Fire-sprinkler system? How fucking clever, Captain. Tom Hardy air-roofies your ass, and all you can think of is a slightly more advanced version of what middle schoolers got bored of in the goddamn 90s? You defeated the Kobayashi Maru, you son of a bitch. What would Spock say? Oh, that's right, nothing, because he'd be off filing for divorce already.

Good day, sir.


Colin Biggs said...

7 is what concerned me most. They're just going to town on each other with advanced weaponry and apparently it doesn't matter.

October 15, 2011 at 8:55 PM
Ryan T. said...

It doesn't just work like that.

I actually find this somewhat refreshing. Otherwise she'd probably do movies where she falls in love or is the wife of someone like Adam Sandler, Kevin James, or Will Ferrell.

October 15, 2011 at 9:20 PM
Colin Biggs said...

Tis true Kevin James is like the date rape drug of Hollywood.

October 16, 2011 at 1:57 AM
Franz said...

Chris Pine! Hence, I'll be watching it.

"You have been one half of what I'm sure is a loving, committed relationship with Joseph Gordon-Levitt."


October 16, 2011 at 11:58 PM
Yojimbo_5 said...

Oh. Good. Lord. What a "High Concept" Train-Wreck.

October 17, 2011 at 10:51 AM
Castor said...

Yea Reese Witherspoon is reaching levels of annoying I couldn't think possible. I used to like her in the late 90's early 2000's when she doing good work in movies like Freeway, Pleasantville, Election and even Legally Blonde. But now, she is just too happy to cash paychecks in tepid rom-coms...

October 17, 2011 at 11:03 AM
Simon said...

Colin Biggs: I imgaine it matters to the people being blown up from the runaway torpedoes.

Ryan T: I feel like she's already done one with Kevin James. But I could be wrong.

Colin Biggs again: Let's not get hasty now...

Franz: You do what you must, I'll do what I must: spread rumors about gay couples until they start happening.

Yojimbo: At least there's no ghosts.

Castor: Well, let's face it, Castor, old friend, doing easy-as-shit comedies is the closest actors get to retirement. God speed to the lot of them.

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