1) Can a movie be too shiny?
2) You know, once upon a midnight dreary, I used to like Chelsea Handler. But then she started popping up in places outside of that talk show, and I realized she has the comic timing and improve skills of someone with neither of those things. So, to see her show up here, doing her standup/"woohoo-lookit-me-I'm-so-drunk-and-ca-ray-za-za-zay" schtick just kind of makes me pissy. On the other hand, old man.
3) I don't like Reese Witherspoon. Sometimes I do, but most days I don't. Something about the wholesome routine. Something about what appears to be her streak of putting herself in the middle of a whole lot of love triangles lately (Christ, lady, you can't have Christoph Waltz, Robert Pattinson, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, Captain Kirk, and Tom Hardy all vying for your goddamn affections. It doesn't just work like that.)
4) I hate romantic talk. Shit like "this has been the most romantic night". It annoys me, children.
5) Tom Hardy. You have been the Most Violent Prisoner in The British Penal System. You have been one half of what I'm sure is a loving, committed relationship with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Who will be a Tinker-Tailor-Soldier, strike forced Spy division. You will be the goddamn guy that broke the goddamn Batman's goddamn back. This is not how we break into mainstream America.
6) Um. So. I keep forgetting this guy's name, because there's a million guys who're named Chris Something or Ryan Something or what have you, so he shall henceforth be known as Captain Kirk. Or Captain Sexy. Or Captain James T. Kirk-Spock (because they're a modern couple). Egads, what has Tumblr done to me?
7) Why is the fucking CIA just letting them blow each other up? In a motherfucking US city? Who is running our fucking federal task forces?
8) More people hanging out in upscale bars. I'll just be over here with my root beer and my half-high school education and all the financial benefits it allows me and my under-18 car sticker. Fuck the picture shows.
9) Well, at least they let Tom Hardy stay British.
10) Fire-sprinkler system? How fucking clever, Captain. Tom Hardy air-roofies your ass, and all you can think of is a slightly more advanced version of what middle schoolers got bored of in the goddamn 90s? You defeated the Kobayashi Maru, you son of a bitch. What would Spock say? Oh, that's right, nothing, because he'd be off filing for divorce already.
Good day, sir.
Schlock Mercenary: May 23, 2017 -
17 minutes ago