The Many Lives of Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Tuesday, August 3, 2010 7:24 PM By Simon

Joey. JGL. Joooey, if you're into Zooey Deschanel. Surely, he has a long and illustrious filmography. But how well do we know his characters? This, my dears, leaves me in curiosity. And it is why I propose:


Yes, I know. Soak it in.

Now obviously, I can't chronicle every single credit to his name (I am none for the task), but with this outline, you might get the gist of this character's eventful life.

(note: this is all very sloppy and fristratingly illogical)

He helpfully suggest to his father that he enjoy a morning Pop-Tart.

Age 8

Innocence is but a whimsical dream for our young lad, when his disgruntled father, stuffed to the core with strawberry Pop-Tarts and ashamed of his bastard son and Elisabeth Shue-ful mother, tatters our hero's tots after baseball practice, long after his parentage has been expelled from his young mind.

Age 9
Young Joe is then swept into the unwilling guardianship of his Aunt, resident of Landford, IL. It is here he befriends DJ Connor, youngest of the Roseanne-John Goodman brood. DJ does not reciprocate. It's a good thing that Joe was so cool at that point he really didn't give a shit. The Connors were just far too hilarious to ignore. It was that year that he discovered the joys of The Wizard of Oz.

Age 15
After shipping between homes for six years, he ends up in the hospital with AIDS. There, he meets Jane, the drug-addicted prostitute we've all grown to tolerate. He lies to her about his mother, knowing he is going to die and dreading reuniting with his Midwestern town. It is with her that he vocalizes his desire to be an architect. He soon, however, grows very ill very soon, and Jane, not the brightest bulb, jumps the gun a bit, euthanizing the incognito Joe with chocolate milk.

Okay, it's supposed to be heroin, but it looks like powdered choclate milk, which leads me to my next point, chocolate milk cures AIDS*.

*It really doesn't.

Ages 15 1/2-18
Lending his body to a batch of invading aliens, Joe spends the next sitcom-years as Tommy Solomon, getting into wacky situations with his fellow captive bodies.


Age 18 1/2
Now left to his own devices, Joe bums around the California High School detective scene, getting embroiled in the dark lives of the Upper Crust, and losing the love of his life to their twisted allure.

Age 19
Gaining too much heat after the Emily incident, Joe is sent back to his life as Neil McCormack. He begins turning tricks to calm his boredom, among other things. After a disastrous stint in New York, though, he finds himself having to face the demons of his childhood, though keeping the secret of his father from, among others, one of the boys he helped victimize. Fangirls, do your thing.

Age 23
He enertains the idea of villainy after his pal Duke/Steve betrays/abandons/whatevers him in Iraq, but decides plastic surgery is a lot easier than Batman voice.

Age 26
Having recovered from his traumas, ingratiating himself with the Hanson family and gaining a precocious younger sister, Joe has become Tom, a disillusioned aspiring architect (yeah, that again) working at a greeting card company. His relationships with a few special ladies named Summer and Autumn, respectively, fail.

Age 28
Taking his love of architecture, Joe renames himself Arthur and teams up with a certain Dom Cobb to invade dreams and shit. Adventures are had, and his extremely bisexual nature makes him a fine companion for both teammates Ariadne and Eames.

Indeed, Joe has had a life. Who knows where the tides will take him next?

(go duke it out in the comments, I'm aware of my limits)


Unknown said...

Just awesome post! His next life should be as my husband!

August 3, 2010 at 8:55 PM
SugaryCynic said...

the running architect theme is a weird coincidence

August 3, 2010 at 9:13 PM
Franz Patrick said...

I was ready to spew venom after seeing "JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT HAS PLAYED THE SAME CHARACTER FOR TWENTY YEARS" but then I read on and laughed. :)

August 3, 2010 at 9:38 PM
Colin Biggs said...

Very versatile career for how young he still is. Hope the Riddler ends up on that list next.

August 4, 2010 at 4:49 PM
Simon said...


Sugary: That's what nailed it for me, the architecture thing in Sweet Jane.

Franz: I was trying really hard to mislead people with that business. So thank you :)

Fitz: He would kick ass as the Riddler, yes.

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