Some over-thought on today's kid shows

Tuesday, November 23, 2010 2:02 PM By Simon

Because I care deeply about all my audience (that's right, all twenty of you), I feel it's time I start sharing some sure-to-be-invaluable insights into the tween stars of today.

-Taylor Momsen and Miley Cyrus are two seperate spectrums of what happens when you let teenagers go through phases in public.
Momsen, that chick from Gossip Girl with the black lipstick and whatnot, is in that holy-shit-I'm-so-hardcore-and-badass-because-look-I-have-fishnets, who actually makes videos that look like this:



I mean, for fuck's sake. I've seen MySpace pages with less corsets.

Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus is the type that thinks she's sexy because she now has boobs, so she walks around in as little clothing as possible, mugging for cameras with bunny ears and mouth perennially agape (what up, TWO vocab words), the kind that'll pierce something, go to a downtown bar, talk about how 'frigging hawt' they look, and then go home to watch, I don't know, Grey's Anatomy (I still hold out faith that my generation isn't so as-a-whole stupid that their default programming is The Jersey Shore). So, y'see, neither should criticize the other, because in a few years, at least one of them will be really embarassed.

-iCarly should get an epic/gritty revamp called I, Carly

A young web celebrity is haunted by her audience, who she thinks have followed her home and who's laughter only she can hear, as she decends into madness (aided by her negligent guardian, abusive friend, and obsessive neighbor).

-We get it. Disney sucks. Please find something more original to whine about.

6 comments:

Ryan T. said...

Warner Brothers and J.K. Rowling are probably thanking their lucky stars for the kid actors they chose to be Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

November 23, 2010 at 6:19 PM
D Swizzle said...

ERIKA
ERIKA
LISTEN TO ME
YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND FIND THE SONG 'MONSTER' BY KANYE WEST
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO SKIP TO NICKI MINAJ'S PART
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO LET YOU'RE MIND BE BLOWN
DOOOOO IT

November 23, 2010 at 6:21 PM
Simon said...

Ryan: It was a toss, yes.

DANIELLE
DANIELLE
YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME
YOU HAVE TO GO OUT A FIND A BIG DILDO
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO BRING IT HOME
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO FUCK YOURSELF
DOOOOO IT

November 24, 2010 at 6:38 AM
D Swizzle said...

-________-
you love me.

November 24, 2010 at 7:59 AM
Fitz said...

I'm glad I'm not familiar with anyone you mentioned.

November 24, 2010 at 12:46 PM