What I hate about high school

Thursday, April 7, 2011 6:32 PM By Simon

(this picture isn't related, but I've been trying to clear out my documents. Plus, Anna Calvi looks fucking angry)

Okay, I know I don't usually assault you all with the woes of my youth, and I assure you, it won't happen again. But for now, let's all just grit our teeth and bear through it.

-Knowing that, no matter how smart/dumb, cool/uncool, annoying, fun, not fun, funny, serious, whatever you are, as a Lady Person, in the eyes of them Menfolk, you'll forever be reduced to ugly, hot, prude, slut. Which is why we wander in packs. They've shot our self esteem to the point where we have no confidence in anything we say unless we have a dozen of our closest friends providing backup chorus.

-Guys are bigger bitches than girls. They make no secret of talking about you, because as the opposing gender, it's considered light-hearted teasing. Which is stupid.

-The halls reek of farts and crappy Claire's perfume.

-The girls' locker room is largely unattended, because, again, us Gentleladies must have impeccable hygiene. Except not at all, in fact, it's worse, because you have the added bonus of the aforementioned perfumes and those bitches who dump their tampons in the toilet and make a run for it.

-They don't want us to learn, they want us to take tests, and pass tests, so they can all get their Christmas bonuses. Like, this year, there's an experimental Biology exam that, if everyone fails it, won't be continued next year, but, oh shit, it'll still count for the majority of our grade. Because The Higher Ups suck like that.

-Terribly boring/shrill teachers who don't particularly know anything outside the textbook, assign you three pages of homework a night, not actually know the answers themselves the next day, just have you write it on the board.

-Being forced to watch boring/depressing/crappy movies about various revolutions in History.

-There's an entire elective dedicated to genocide studies.

-They still only teach the Big Four Euro/latin languages--Spanish, French, Italian, and German--plus Latin as an elective. Well, in my school anyway. What my question is, since they also obsessively stress business savvy and office dronery, wouldn't it make more sense to be learning Mandarin Chinese, Arabic, languages that are an actual presence in today's economic/political spectrum? Spanish I understand (in fact, it's default language for K-8, until they changed it right when I was leaving the middle school, now I think the elementary school cut the program, and the middle school is divided into the four per marking period, but anyway), Italian is useless to me, as I don't particularly like Italian movies (or, at least, the ones that I've seen, it's not a general rule, but I've got to stop interrupting myself, don't I?), French, I'm taking, but since I'll probably never go to France unless it's as a teacher (there's a program that if you volunteer as a high school English, you can take as many University courses as you want for free, and as for places like Haiti, I doubt I'll be of much use there even if I was fluent, thanks, Cracked), and if I learned German, some of my more bitter extended relatives would cut off contact (my aunt on Germans: "I wouldn't let one of those people into my house". She might've changed her views since then, but still, I'm not rebellious enough to find out). Wow, that's a lot of talk on languages.

-They encourage you to read, but not now, dear. Because I have all this free time after school, y'know, in between piles of homework and tests, to sit down and concentrate on a book. It's either during school, or at three in the morning.

-Cafeteria food.

-Ridiculous cafeteria food prices.

-They sell soda (real stuff, not the shit store brands) are sold, but in a locked frig reserved for teachers.

-Terrible coffee.

-Kids who keep stomping on water bottles until they explode. On the plus side, my one friends keeps pretending she's been shot.

-Those people who bitch and moan about how much they hate school, then bum around there until eight.

-Bitches who, god help me, this is the only way I can describe them, are preppy, stuck-up, privileged and, uh, I said bitchy, so that's it. Right. Who whine all day about what injustice is wrought on them.

-Guys who think they're the great World's Fair shit.

-The Peers.

-The Faculty.

-Group projects.

-Research papers.

-Handwritten notes that have to be scrawled down in Real Time, making them void later when you go to study and find you can't read the Cavechicken Hieroglyphics that are wastng valuable notebook space.

-The fact that, despite you self-promises you'll at least try to be sociable or whatever, you can't help but come off as an asshole out of performance anxiety. Or stage fright. Whatever you wanna call it.

-That I've been doing this for, like, twenty minutes, and still haven't started my homework.

-The fact that I don't get what's going to be on my test tomorrow, but find my teacher so annoying I don't want to ask for extra help.

-Knowing that, if I'm not in any classes with my set of four friends and/or five-or-something friendly acquantinces, I'll be doomed to glowering in the corner, because it took every ounce of patience and nerves I have (not a lot) to make the ones I have now. And even then, most of them were my sister's friends first. See? I need a motherfucking segue.

-Waking up at 6:30 because, in order to avoid traffic, my bus has to show up ten minutes earlier. Also, that We of the Teenaged have to go to school at seven in the morning, while our n00b K-8 counterparts get to go at a lofty 9:30. Because, never mind we're the ones with the big, stressful, life-determining tests and extra curricular activities and stuff to do, the little ones, those shrieking balls of adrenaline and Pixie Sticks who are notorious for not going to sleep, are apparently delicate little snowflakes that can't handle dawn-time travel. Leave that to the older ones.

-The constant, nagging fear that some asshole will show up with a machine gun and kill me before I ever get to see the light of day.

-That everyone else speaks another language. There's a shitload of Polish kids, Indian kids, Taiwanese kids, couple of Russian kids, Spanish kids, and here I am, barely conversational in French. Even my douchebag cousin from fucking Florida speaks Hebrew.

-That, instead of something useful in gym, like self-defense of Nunchucks 101, we learn volleyball and yoga and stupid shit like that.

-Even if I were the best damn driver this side of the Mason-Dixon line, I could still get killed by some dick in my class who can't read a Smirnoff label.

-Jersey Shore after-talks, because hey, let's embrace MTV-created stereotypes, guys, that'll solve everything. Half those shits are from New York, anyway.

-Crap music.

See? That wasn't so painful! Well, it was. I probably lost most of you twenty bullets up.


SugaryCynic said...

I will try to comfort you with the fact that high school sucks everywhere and my high school years were some of the worst of my fucking life. It was ghetto, overcrowded, filled with teachers and kids who didnt give a shit and stupid fucking standardized tests that meant dick outside the florida school system. There's nothing you can do about but grit your teeth and do your best because god high school blows but college is great. I've found my nerdy peers, professors who are passionate and give a shit about what they teach. And yeah its hard, and yeah its stressful but it's worth all the bullshit I had to go through in high school to get there.

It's obvious to me that you're a smart kid who knows their shit, so just keep on moving and get the grades you need, I swear it gets better. When do I blow smoke up your ass?

April 7, 2011 at 9:09 PM
Castor said...

Damn you do really hate high school. It's the same everywhere and it probably means you will probably love college then :) You are almost there and it will be all over Ripley. Keep on being awesome!

April 7, 2011 at 9:37 PM
Andreas said...

If it's any consolation, college involves way more options and freedoms, and the people are generally smarter or more mature... but (depending on where you go) lots of these problems persist, everyone feels entitled, and the responsibility level spikes up disturbingly high.

And yeah, my high school experience was a lot like this too. You pretty much just have to go along with it reluctantly, all the while clasping your hands mischievously and secretly laughing about how much more successful/satisfied you'll end up than your idiot classmates.

April 7, 2011 at 10:32 PM
Rob said...

Gosh it sounds terrible for you...It was much like that for me, so I just skipped classes ALL THE TIME. I don't recommend that though. In the immortal words of Courtney Love: Live through this! You always seem so smart and funny--fuck everyone else!

April 7, 2011 at 10:47 PM
Simon said...

Sugary: I don't know...I hope you don't...that seems terribly unpleasent...

Castor: *sparkle*

Andreas: *sigh* but I won't be...they got connections in all the good colleges...that's what sucks most, y'know? Knowing that these guys, as dickish as they are, will graduate rich and go to the nicest schools and have cute little families and everything will be awesome for their bony asses. Oh, sorry to keep on going.

Rob: In other words of Courtney Love, 'kill the man but save the son'...or something like that...that's the only Hole song I can think of right now...uh...

April 7, 2011 at 10:57 PM
Alex said...

Ugh. High school. I went to a private school so a lot of my problems were different than yours, but it was still a frustrating 4 years. But yeah like the above commenters mentioned, it sucks basically everywhere, so I guess it's like a rite of passage or something. College is pretty great, though.

And you seem remarkably cool and informed for a high schooler. And I hate teenagers usually. So... at least you have that going for you? Good luck with your test and homework!

April 7, 2011 at 11:19 PM
Yojimbo_5 said...

Yoga is useful. Self-defense would be better (they taught the girls S-D when the boys were being taught about sex...uh, sorry..."health" in gym...made sense to me).

High school does suck. And it will keep on sucking if you attend any reunions. The first houyr of my 10, I spent talking to all the folks I never talked to in HS, but were casual acquaintances, and THEN, everybody peered up in the same groups they hung out with in high school...They could have held it in the same old cafeteria it would have looked the same.

Boys will be boys. They will never, ever be men. And if they are, you won't be interested in them...too dull.

What can I say, Si', other than I see you as being the next Dorothy Parker (in output, not lifestyle), and I'll bet Dot loathed High School, too. Really, it's the four years when Manic-depression is forced on you within and without. But it won't kill you....and the yoga might help you through it.


April 8, 2011 at 2:34 AM
Nicholas Prigge said...

Life gets so, so, so, so, so much better after high school. Which I'm sure sounds like a lot of bullshit when you're actually going through the grotesqueness of high school but it's true. Honest.

Also, I'm quite confident in assuming you're a far better writer than every single teacher at your school. So there's that.

April 8, 2011 at 8:50 AM
Simon said...

Alex: We are a bunch of numbnuts, aren't we?

Yojimbo: Your heart's in the right place, Akira (that's your nickname now, if you insist on calling me Si'), but you mustn't compare I, a mere mortal, to the likes of Dorothy Parker. And you know what might help me through it all? Nunchucks.

Nicholas: *victory*

Oh, you all.

April 8, 2011 at 11:34 AM
danielle said...

I'm so happy to be related to you sometimes.

April 8, 2011 at 3:11 PM
Red said...

Don't stress the little stuff, and high school becomes so much easier. If I could go back right now, I would in a heartbeat. Yeah, there are always going to be things that are going to annoy you, but if you have extra-curricular activities to partake in, they are a saving grace.

Then again, I did go to a K-12 school in which the entire high school section consisted of around 50-60 kids, so huge cliques and whatnot didn't make most kids feel out of place and hate the school with all their heart.

Small (Midwestern) schools are the way to go. Classes and activities might be a bit limited (I did everything, so I wouldn't know), but the environment allows for students to really grow as people.

College will be coming up soon enough, and your options are almost limitless.

April 11, 2011 at 11:10 PM
Franz Patrick said...

Ooh, child, when I was done with high school, I never looked back. Yeah, it's annoying as fuck but we all gotta go through it. You keep your best friends and forget the rest.

You should consider California schools, maybe near the OC. Those Laguna Beach people really do talk like that. It's hilarious! Surfing is fun, too. But that shark attack warning that one time was no joke...

April 21, 2011 at 2:53 PM