I'm stepping it up, folks

Monday, May 23, 2011 8:10 PM By Simon

I've been thinking. Ever since I was bestowed this motherfucker:


I wondered, why, oh why, did you kind folks choose me to be your Goddess of New Humor, over, say, everyone else who is funnier than me? Why?

I couldn't figure it out. I was baffled. BAFFLED. I mean, ruling out my taletn for witticisms that rivals Sir Oscar Wilde himself, my scathing satire on today's culture diseases, and my astounding discipline when it comes to providing you folks amusing and quality content every single day, I've got nothing.

But that will change. I will earn your love. I will make you laugh.

I'll make you laugh so hard, you'll fucking die. You'll still be laughing all the way out, and won't even realize you're dead until you're in heaven, comparing notes with the hundreds of other new arrivals. You'll reach the conclusion in unison, your halos fitted in silence by the demons Satan loaned God in anticipation of the sudden influx. And you'll look to your compatriots in deaditude, and you will nod to each other. You'll contently enter the pearly white gates. You'll regret nothing.

Oh, yeah. We're in evangelical country now. Be-fucking-ware, my loves.

4 comments:

Jose said...

I voted for you, so shut it.

May 25, 2011 at 4:00 PM
John said...

The LAMB people were right. I found you via that nomination and you're fucking hilarious.

June 16, 2011 at 10:33 PM
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