Why Donald Glover would kick ass as Spider Man

Tuesday, June 1, 2010 8:34 PM By Simon

I will not lie to you, people. I've always imagined the Green Lantern as black. Why? Because I was raised on the semi-old Justice League cartoon, where he was a strappin' black dude who kicked ass and wore jewelery better than any chick. So, being unfamiliar with comics in general, I always assumed he was black by common canon.

Then, I find out Ryan Reynolds or Chris Pine or Chris Evans or whichever (seriously, it's like they cast the same three dudes in every comic movie) has been cast. My first thought? White washing! I go to the message boards of wherever to join in the no doubt spirited outrage, only to discover, oh, wait, he's white everywhere else too. And that's how my secret dream of Morgan Freeman: Green Lantern was crushed.

What does this have to do with Donald Glover campaigning for a Spider-Man audition? On Twitter/Facebook, no less? Well, for one, it proves that the internet is an almighty thing, now tangible with real-world results, seriously, ya'll, it's getting dangerous. But, also, you see, I want a black superhero. Not because of tokenism or so I can brag about how I'm totally not racist, cause I dig Black Spider-Man.

No. It's because I miss the simpler times of my childhood. Where they always had a black guy somewhere, as this was the revolution of political-correctness. I was, you understand, crushed to find out Green Lantern wouldn't be the exact replica of my childhood ideals. Instead of this pinacle of manly badasshattery:

We'll get this dude:

Boring. More white dudes of CG-ripitude farting out shit one-liners and contrived flirtation with whichever disposable blonde person trying to pass off as a doctor/officer of da law/scientist/lawyer.

I need to have a black dude playing some form of superhero. Headlining, okay? Not wise-crackin' sidekick played by a Wayans brother. Because if I see a trailer for The Green Lantern, I'll lose my shit.

Also, let's face it, Donald Glover kicks ass. Have you seen his stand-up? I hate Comedy Central Standups, mostly because they pull whatever populice-pleasing ass-joke comedian they can find, but I watched his, because it ruled. Here's an act:

He's on Community, my designated Favorite Show Eva. He's in this crazy-awesome movie called Mystery Team. He wrote for 30 Rock. He does the best Obama impression. Sure, he's a little old, but fuck you, Tobey Maguire was still batting his emo eyelashes when he was 33! And all he did was mope and make out with Claudia and fall down!

Fuck it, just recast Green Lantern, okay? With Donald Glover. Because, quite frankly, I don't give a shit about Spider-Man.

Or, Comic Book Movie Guys, really impress me. Make a good Punisher movie.

Enjoy this maybe-offensive, maybe-genius rant, people, because I'm a-sleepin'.

Also, do wish me luck. My History class will be watching Schindler's List for another two days.



SugaryCynic said...

He has eight million videos with Derrick comedy. I friggin love him. Also I too grew up thinking Green Lantern was supposed to be a black dude thanks to the cartoon. WE WERE FED LIES!

June 1, 2010 at 9:57 PM
Darren said...

Morgan Freeman as Green Lantern would be a... mazing.

"I must admit I didn't think much of Batman first time I laid eyes on him; looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over. That was my first impression of the man."

June 2, 2010 at 1:06 AM
Castor said...

It would definitely be interesting to see it happening. Glover is slightly too old to play a high school kid but worse things have happened before.

June 2, 2010 at 10:43 AM
Angie said...

haha that pic of Reynolds makes me giggle.

June 2, 2010 at 12:24 PM
Ruben Romero said...

whoa whoa whoa whoa --- semi-old Justice League cartoon? It must be pretty new because I used to watch a semi-old Justice League cartoon and he wasn't a black dude in that one.

June 2, 2010 at 12:52 PM
Derek Armstrong said...

There's always Blankman. Wait, you said you didn't want a Wayans brother.

June 2, 2010 at 12:55 PM
Luke said...

Oh my gosh - I'm so on board with this one. He's got great screen presence, and he could make Peter Parker fun again. Where do I sign?

June 2, 2010 at 1:35 PM
Unknown said...

He was white in my Justice League cartoon too, which also featured those awful twins and their annoying monkey.

Anyway, I say just get the best guy for the role (hell even the best woman if Cate Blanchett's available!).

I too am sicked of the Chrises and Ryans getting all the big parts.

June 2, 2010 at 2:06 PM
elgringo said...

I grew up thinking that Green Lantern wasn't a superhero worth caring about, haha.
Just kidding. But not really.
I wasn't mad when they cast Michael Clarke Duncan as Kingpin in Daredevil because I knew the only white guys with that kind of physique were pro wrestlers. Go with the best actor and you'll have a better movie. It shouldn't matter what race they are.

June 2, 2010 at 2:52 PM
Frank said...

I still defend and am a fan of Thomas Jane's Punisher film. It has Roy Scheider yo.

June 2, 2010 at 7:03 PM
Colin Biggs said...

I would like to see this happen, but they seem to want the kid from Zathura, or Jamie Bell.

June 2, 2010 at 7:47 PM
"Yojimbo_5" said...

Donald Glover is funny as Hell, but his Obama's not THAT good. Plus, he's too old to play S. Piderman. If you're going to re-boot (already??) he needs to be a high-school kid.

Plus, sorry, Green Lantern is white. The original. Over the years, Hal Jordan has needed capable replacements (men without fear)while he was out policing Sector 2814 for the Guardians. The first was coach Guy Gardner--a bit of a jerk. Then came architect John Stewart--your GL, who is, indeed, a bad-ass. And when Jordan became a villain, graphic artist Kyle Rainer became a GL.

There's a lot of good stories to tell in Green Lantern, which is about nothing if not diversity. One of my favorites is Alan Moore's "Mogo Does Not Socialize"--(Moore was great with Lantern stories)--where a mysterious Green Lantern that members of the Corps have never seen turns out to be...a planet.

June 3, 2010 at 10:35 AM
Darren said...

Yep, they really need to release a hardcover collection of his green Lantern stories, not least of which because Geoff Johns, the current writer of the book and the producer of the movie (which seems to be based on his work), loves Moore on Green Lantern.

June 4, 2010 at 12:59 AM
SugaryCynic said...

I never knew Moore did any Green Lantern! Awesome!

June 4, 2010 at 9:42 PM
"Yojimbo_5" said...

He did another about recruiting a Lantern on a planet where no one developed sight, so...no light! Green Lantern doesn't matter: "In brightest day, in blackest night...pfft!" So, the recruiter made it a green Bell, instead...a weird and wonderful Lantern story that just digs into the mythos and comes up fresh and inspiring.

June 5, 2010 at 12:15 PM