An Open Letter to Them Entities We Affectionally Describe As 'Fanboys'

Monday, March 28, 2011 3:36 PM By Simon

My Dears,

A great thing once said: "Mama knows, child." And this is true. Mama does know. And so do I.

For years, you've felt scourged. Cast out. Abandoned by your saviors before you were even born, left to cling to the past properties for which you once thrived. Star Wars fanfiction, deviantART sketches of Uhura and Scully doing The Biz. You've been lonely. You've been left dry.

Presenting: Sucker Punch.

Hot chicks who put fetchingly, one who could genuinely kick your ass, one who could maybe help, one with a bitchin' haircut (okay, the same one), one with a Lolita sense of attire, one with awkward crossover appeal, one who stands around and, I don't know, flies airplanes in giant Tamagatchis. Trench warfare, WWI, army jets vs. airplanes, ninjas, samurais, zombie Nazis, a train populated entirely by robot coppers, machine guns, brothels, sexay outfits, swords, vaguely Polish doctors/madams, wooden dialogue, big anime eyes.

I don't give you Sucker Punch. Your mamas don't give you Sucker Punch. Zack Snyder (or what's his name?) doesn't even give you Sucker Punch. No. The mechanic entrails of R2D2 gives you Sucker Punch. Batman's spare brass ball gives you Sucker Punch. The dearly departed ghost of Tura Satana, everything you've ever looked at and said 'cool' at, they have given you Sucker Punch.

Here, you are given a movie made by you, for you, disregarding all but you. This, in short, is for you. FOR YOU!

Sincerely, I

PS This is not to go unrewarded, boys. Gather some pretty blockheads and the tightest pants you can find. You've got a fangirl movie to shoot.

PSS A real review when I feel like it.


Unknown said...

All I can say is bravo.
You made me kinda wanna see this movie too.

March 28, 2011 at 8:45 PM
Colin Biggs said...

I like this defense more than the one /Film posted. Good job!

March 28, 2011 at 9:01 PM
Nick Prigge said...

Please never write a real review. This is the real review. Of all the reviews I've read of this apparent cinematic trainwreck, this is far and away the best. Well done.

March 29, 2011 at 6:13 AM
SugaryCynic said...

this is why I like you

March 29, 2011 at 6:53 AM
"Yojimbo_5" said...

"disregarding all but you." Favorite bit.

Better-written review than what I'm writing, by a mile.

March 29, 2011 at 11:38 AM
Luke said...

Ha! This is hysterical. The best part is that I have no clue whether you're loving or hating the movie. I'm with Jose - this kind of made me curious about seeing this apparent atrocity.

March 30, 2011 at 10:11 AM
Simon said...

Jose: Yay! I'm influential!

Fitz: You are now legally obligated to link to /Film. That's just cruel, brah.

Nicholas: Thank you kindly.

Sugary: What, not my winning personality?

Yojimbo: Nah, yours was all in-depth and shit. My sister likes your reviews better than mine, and at this point, that's the only scale I've got.

Luke: was was only a little boring towards the end...ah...

April 4, 2011 at 10:24 PM