Thoughts on Labyrinth

Wednesday, March 9, 2011 3:08 PM By Simon

-Bowie. If they have a gun, for god's sake, give me a sign.

I'm on my way.

All terrible joking aside, Bowseph is certainly testing my undying worship, isn't he?

-Where to fucking start.

-Okay. Jennifer Connelly. I like her. She's a good actress with a not-terrible choice in movies, she's pretty in a non-generic way. As far as Jennifers go, you could do a lot worse. So why the fucking fuck do I hate her so here?

-Well, she's a petulant little pisser who goes off on her stepmother for daring make her babysit (when, might I add, she clearly has nothing better to do than reenact scenes from her favorite book with her damn dog), then throws a bitch fit when her Dad doesn't go knocking down her door, begging for forgiveness with a bloody knife in one hand, his severed tongue in the other. She yells at her baby stepbrother for crying (as babies are apt to do), and accidentally-on-purpose sics a herd of motherfucking goblins on the infant. This is not twenty minutes in. She proceeds through the next ninety-something as a slack-jawed idiot gaping at all the Muppets that dance around her in wisecracking glee.

-Oh, yeah. And when she refuses a crystal ball he offers her, Bowie throws a fucking snake at her face.

-Not twenty minutes in. I'm strongly considering turning this shit off and rewatching The Man Who Fell to Earth.

-Oh god, the fucking muppets...

-Such ridiculous director, such ridiculous effects, such ridiculous everything (except for the soundtrack, of course). Yet, oh well. Entertaining at will.


AK said...

Agree on all counts, but I like it too. Maybe because she's so damn obnoxious? She's kind of heroically horrible.Maybe I should check it out again...

March 9, 2011 at 8:15 PM
Darren said...

You have to admit, Bowie's bouncing crotch has a... hypnotic effect of a sort.

March 10, 2011 at 5:04 AM
Nick Prigge said...

My sister used to watch this all the time on VHS - yes, VHS - and then I would patiently try to explain that, in fact, it was crap and she would disagree and then we would argue. So when she and I finally take this to court I am using this review as evidence. Thank you.

March 10, 2011 at 6:56 AM
Alexa said...

I think the size of her breasts is inversely proportional to the quality of each of her performances.

March 10, 2011 at 8:39 AM
Aiden R. said...

Never seen this, I don't know what's taking me. Will take care of that.

March 10, 2011 at 9:43 AM
Simon said...

Rob: Perhaps she was merely a victim of the 80s? We'll never know.

Darren: I wasn't staring. Who said IU was staring? Shut up.

Nicholas: I'm also willing to teestify, if need be.

Alexa: It wouldn't be the first time.

Aiden: Do.

March 10, 2011 at 12:32 PM
SugaryCynic said...

David Bowie's bulgetastic crotch in this film is the nexus of the universe. For reals.

March 11, 2011 at 10:22 PM
Anonymous said...

I think this is one of the films from 1986 that I did NOT see. Judging from the opine here, though, I might catch it...but with the remote handy.

A bouncing-crotched David Bowie? As opposed to David bowie on any other day? ;/


March 13, 2011 at 5:42 PM
Simon said...

Sugary: Nexus. Define.

TGWD: Do it and tell me when you I MUST KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE BULGE.

March 13, 2011 at 11:22 PM
JL said...

For me, this is one of those movies that I liked as a kid. However, going back it's just stupid as all hell. So poor in every aspect really and all around craptastic and cheesy. It's definitely one of those ones I look back on with semi-fond memories, but now as an adult watching and criticizing it, I'm just like: how in the world did I ever make it through this movie? Multiple times no less. Kinda like Howard the Duck or The Dark Crystal or Short Circuit or any of those other cheesy 80's movies.

March 15, 2011 at 9:21 AM
SugaryCynic said...

...Yeah I'm not sure exactly. But "nexus of the universe" sounded good at the time and if there's one thing being an english major has taught me is that if it sounds good, that is more important than knowing what it means

March 17, 2011 at 9:11 AM