The...Fucking...Golden...Globes...

Monday, January 18, 2010 3:22 PM By Simon , In , , ,

So, we all know that the Golden Globes is maybe a little better than, say, the People's Choice Awards. They pick their nominees by flipping through the nearest Best/Worst of the Year list, and giving it to whoever had the biggest box office, throwing a mercy nomination to some critical darlings or Oscar regulars. And they know it. The nominees know it, the presenters know it, the audience, the cameramen know it, the catering knows it. That's why the tables are set up as a sea one must climb over, why most of the established actors don't even care when they win, why the cameras are slow to find the nominees as they are announced. Nobody gives a shit. Because we all know it's more biased than any other major awards show, more than the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, the Tonys, and all the other ones who get a network-TV time slot. Except, of course, the People's Choice Awards.

I hate the fucking Golden Globes. They make me angrier than square cheesburgers.

Which is why I'm disappointed in myself that I acknowledge this at all. But I must. Because this is a blog, that nobody reads, and I'm fucking angry all the same, enough to rant and rave about this instead of post an audio of Patton Oswalt telling us why everybody hates Jay Leno (but there's a whole different plain). It is why I rant instead of study for the spoken section of my French midterm, which is tomorrow because I don't fucking know.

Let's...begin.

#1: The Pre-Show
I watched the E! red carpet, my most loathed. This is because E! is a cesspool for every washed-up whoever when VH1 and MTV don't want them. Or the other way around. They give endless hours of TV coverage and E! True Hollywood Stories to asshole rich people. And they, like the Globes, fucking know it. They just don't care. They sing the praises of whoever they're talking to, how gorgeous they look or whatever, being sure to spend half an hour talking about their dresses and tuxes and socks and...you know what? All of that would be bearable, if not for something they call the Glam Cam or something...do they really need fifty cameras all pointed at one person in a shiny dress? Do they?

#2: The Show
Which was a mess. As mentioned above, the camera men were likely taking full advantage of the free drinks, because they were every which way, didn't know where anyone was half the time. The caterers, who I can only imagine having a passive-aggressive grudge against someone signing their checks, because the tables were edge-to-edge, every direction. The winners had to practiucally link arms and climb over the elevated second-floor that was the seating arrangements. Ricky Gervais, for all the hype, wasn't given anything to do for more than a minute at the time. He was very funny, as he always is, but constantly shooed away so that the dysfunctioning Avatars of Nicole Kidman and Harrison Ford could introduce various movies that everyone's heard of already. Some were funny, but...I just can't remember them. I've tried, can't. I can only remember thinking "Don't let Mickey Rourke on live TV!" and "Holy shit, I hate that Black Eyed Peas song played over this Valentine's Day trailer". What's Cameron Diaz doing here? What?Neil Patrick Harris and Kristen Chenowith (was that her? I forget. Alright, whoever) were adorable, at least. Clin Ferrall and Mel Gibson suitably self-depracating. Chloe Sevigny was kind of funny getting tripped over by someone, and I guess she's good in "Big Love". James Cameron, from the looks on the audience, was universally despised (I haven't seen Avatar, but The Sister has. Even she says it didn't deserve jack shit. Well, not to win, anyway). He was kind of funny, in his constant bathroom obsession, but still, he spoke the language he made up for the movie. Fluently.

#3: The Awards
Best Motion Picture — Drama
Avatar – Winner
The Hurt Locker
Inglorious Basterds
Precious
Up in the Air
-Everyone looked so fucking pissed. All of these movies, Basterds and Up in the Air and the ones I haven't seen, you have to with Avatar? I hate you, Globes. I really do.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Drama
Emily Blunt, The Young Victoria
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side – Winner
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sadibe, Precious
-Whyyyyyyyyy? Carey Mulligan and Babourey Sadibe and Helen Mirren, even Emily Blunt, you have to throw one at Sandra Bullock? Well, at least she acknowledged she didn't deserve it (at least not as much as everyone else). She's slightly growing on me, but come-the-fuck-on.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Drama
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart – Winner
George Clooney, Up in the Air
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Morgan Freeman, Invictus
Tobey Maguire, Brothers
-I hope Jeff Bridges wins an Oscar. I just like him. George Clooney playing himself, Tobey Maguire looking and acting creepy, okay, don't know shit about anyone else.

Best Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy
(500) Days of Summer
The Hangover – Winner
It’s Complicated
Julie & Julia
Nine
-The Hangover. Christ. Funny? Yes. But Best Picture?

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy
Sandra Bullock, The Proposal
Marion Cotillard, Nine
Meryl Streep, It’s Complicated
Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia – Winner
Julia Roberts, Duplicity
-Weirdest crew of nominees I've ever seen. Marion Cotillard was my favorite, but Meryl Streep was delightful in Julie and Julia, but I've always found it tacky when people got nominated the same year, in the same category. Also, I was forced by lack of computer/good book to watch The Proposal on a plane. It is among my least favorite thing of all time, ever. Seconded only by people bringing this horrible movie back into our minds for Sandra fucking Bullock. If you must nominate the movie, nominate Ryan Reynolds. Didn't think anyone even remembered Duplicity , but I vaguely remember walking out and Sister Darling saying she could see Clive Owen and Roberts getting some Globe action. So, you know, good on her.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy
Matt Damon, The Informant
Daniel Day Lewis, Nine
Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes – Winner
Joseph Gordon Levitt, (500) Days of Summer
Michael Stuhlbarg, A Serious Man
-What. The. Fuck.
Not to say that he wasn't good. And his acceptance speech was funny. But is that the only reason they let him win? I thought it was just a mercy throw, or a publicity stunt, to nominate him in the first place. But over Michael Stuhlbarg (one in a series of late bloomers in this awards season), Matt Damon, my precious Joseph Gordon-Levitt...I was sure they were gonna give it to Daniel Day-Lewis (out of habit). But Robert Downey Jr.? This is the only category where I've seen all the movies, so I can vouch with quasi-confidence that this is the biggest bone ever thrown at a mainstream public. It's like they never look past box offic scores and reviews by Ben Lions. In the process of writing this, I've gone from annoyed to outrage. Dammit!

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Mo'Nique, Precious – Winner
Julianne Moore, A Single Man
Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
Penelope Cruz, Nine
-Yeah. Sure. None of these really spark strong opinions. Julianne Moore, again, just seems like a habit. The Up in the Air lady people were alright. Penelope Cruz...okay. Why not?

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Matt Damon, Invictus
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Christopher Waltz, Inglorious Basterds – Winner
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
-THAT'S A BINGO!
Except, The Last Station is about Leo Tolstoy. Played by Christopher Plummer. What, in any stretch of the imagination, makes him a supporting actor? I haven't seen it, so who knows...he could be playing second fidle to James McAvoy or Paul Giamatti. But, if Helen Mirren is Best Actress, is it really about her? God, I'm gonna lose sleep unless I see this movie.

Best Animated Feature Film
Coraline
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
The Princess and the Frog
Up – Winner
-All of these are big buckets of adorable, and I'd feel bad criticizing any.

Best Foreign Language Film
Barria
Broken Embraces
A Prophet
The White Ribbon – Winner
The Maid
-I have seen exactly zero of these, though not for trying. Broken Embraces is playing at our local quasi-arthouse, but The Parent or Guardian refuses.
Best Director — Motion Picture
Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
James Cameron, Avatar – Winner
Clint Eastwood, Invictus
Jason Reitman, Up in the Air
Quentin Tarantino, Inglorious Basterds
-What the fuck? Avatar, which, as far as I can tell, was animated blue people and Tentacle Rape online porn adapted for the big screen. What's direction got to do with it? Hurt Locker seems to be the runner up, but I wish Tarantino got it. Only he could rewrite history and get away with it, and besides, that movie is my new video bible. Also, Eastwood seems like he's getting nominated out of habit.

Best Screenplay — Motion Picture
Up in the Air – Winner
It’s Complicated
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglorious Basterds
-How in holy hell did In The Loop not get this? In all honesty, I didn't think Up in the Air was any great shakes, but I guess the screenplay was alright. They should seperate this into "original" and "adapted" like everyone else. But at least no Avatar.

Best Original Score — Motion Picture
Michael Giacchino, Up – Winner
Marvin Hamlisch, The Informant
James Horner, Avatar
Abel Krozeniowski, A Single Man
Karen O. and Carter Burwell, Where the Wild Things Are
-I got nothing.

Best Original Song — Motion Picture
“I Will See You,” Avatar
“The Weary Kind,” The Crazy Heart – Winner
“Winter,” Brothers
“Cinema Italiano,” Nine
“I Want to Come Home,” Everybody’s Fine

-"The Weary Kind" is good, but I'm more pissy about "Cinema Italiano" making the list at all.

I drifted in and out of the TV awards, but I know the Grey Gardens took so long to wrestle up to the stage, they were hurried off by the swelling music, and I know that I hate Simon Baker with every fiber in my body, and I wish James Roday would get something for once, and I kinda wanted the dude from Lost, which I don't watch, to win, just because he's so...classy.
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Okay. I'm done.

1 comments:

Dannie said...

Avatar is what would happen if we brought a micro-scope into Smurf Land. Fact.

I kind of feel like no one was going to come out of this show happy.

January 18, 2010 at 6:39 PM