Thoughts on Planet Terror

Wednesday, July 28, 2010 2:40 AM By Simon

-Now, gentlemen, I know, deep down, way down to the pit of your balls, you can be mature adults. We don';t all run on pure geek/12-year-old fuel, y'know. We can all tell when a movie is rather ubpar, despite its good intentions. It features the dubious acting of Rose McGowan! I mean, I know you, as men of a certain age, won't see a movie based solely on images like:

(This, by the way, is her Sexy Face. In case you couldn't tell)

Because we're better than that, guys. We're movie bloggers! We're probably the only mass group of individuals who all live up to their moniker of 'pretentious douchebags'! We got class, dammit it!

Surely, sisters, we can rise above the juvenile free-for-all that is Planet Terror!

And yet, that is a machine gun leg.

To clarify: a leg, made entirely out of machine gun.

HOLY SHIT, I WANT ONE! WHERE DO I GET ME A MACHINE GUN LEG?! DON'T HOLD OUT ON ME, RODRIGUEZ!

This is the greatest movie ever. Seriously, I judge movies based directly on how many dragons and machine gun legs they have in ratio to all the boring, non-amphibious, non-heavily-equipped scenes.

It also involves Bruce Willis, Our Zombies Are Different Because They Have Pus-y Boils All Over Their Faces, lot of shit blowing up for no reason, angry little people who have a borderline pornographic relationship with guns, too-stupid-to-live Everybodys, and melting balls. If that isn't the American dream, I don't know what is.

8 comments:

TheUnwashedMass said...

Don't forget the tiny motorbike!

July 28, 2010 at 3:17 AM
SugaryCynic said...

I am willing to overlook many flaws in a film in the presence of a machine-gun leg

July 28, 2010 at 4:49 AM
Alex said...

Ahh, this is truly a near-perfect film. Whenever I get pissed at Rodriguez for making shitty movies for his kids, I remember that he can be so amazing and has given us films like Desperado and Planet Terror (and soon, Machete).

July 28, 2010 at 6:40 AM
Jason H. said...

Epically awesome movie. The whole Grindhouse movie is terribly underrated, but Rodriguez's is the better half, namely because of that machine gun leg.

July 28, 2010 at 8:41 AM
Neil Fulwood said...

This could be the best review of 'Planet Terror' I've ever read.

July 28, 2010 at 1:29 PM
Fitz said...

Brolin was a fun villain. A throw-away part made worth watching.

July 28, 2010 at 2:37 PM
D Swizzle said...

I think people would forget your a teenage girl if I didn't remind them.

July 28, 2010 at 4:57 PM
Franz Patrick said...

"Planet Terror" is a place I won't want to revisit any time soon. At least your thoughts on it made me laugh! :)

July 30, 2010 at 9:03 PM