It's time for some conspiracy theories!

Monday, July 19, 2010 8:53 PM By Simon

I don't know if you, my loyal audience, know this, but conspiracy theories are a bit of a thing for me. I'm not talking 9/11-level nay saying, just the opportunistic, patriarchal society we, the privileged middle class of America, live in. These are some of my lovelier works:

Netflix will bring the end of days, and that's just how they want it.
Let's face it. Man just wasn't meant to have so many movies at his disposal at all hours. It just can't be done without consequences. Movies will disintegrate, gradually at first...let's not go out to the movies, we have plenty right here! If we continue, movie studios will start shutting down. Professional production will halt, leaving us with the mind-numbing badness of internet-exclusive amateur Youtube sketches. Interest will drop, brains will implode, society will collapse. After all, what's the point in doing anything if not for the aspiration of having your story told on the big screen? Zombie, zombie apocalypse! Social unrest! More and more stores fall to the crippling depression we'll find ourselves! Run, Canadians! There's still time! SAVE YOURSELVES!

Gym class is a NRA conspiracy.
(I'm rather proud of this one)
Well. Not the whole of gym class. More the programs available. As I know it in my own wretched schooling, your options for regular PE sports are: softball, baseball, basketball, lacrosse, tennis, and frisbee. Frisbee. I know how to play frisbee. My dog knows how to play frisbee. Not that I have a dog. But if I did, you be damn well be sure he'd know frisbee.

So why would they teach us such useless sports that all break down to 'how many basketball helium can you suck before someone notices', when they could be teaching us, say, self-defense? Nun chucks and Tae-kwon-do and whatever that Brazilian shit is? Because, dear children, this whole program is put together by the National Rifle Association. That's right. If we don't know any practical self-defense for future muggings, we'll all get pussy-ass scared. And when we get pussy-ass scared, we vote Republican. And what's one of the leading issues among the Republican platform?

Gun control.

The entirety of the physical education of America's public schools is to influence future voters into voting for more lenient gun laws.

(I don't know what kind of shit goes down for all you Europeon/Canadian folks)

Have a nice day.


Matt-suzaka said...

Isn't that kind of the back-story to Idiocracy?!

July 19, 2010 at 9:38 PM
SugaryCynic said...

EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW!! ...actually, you've got on me on PE.

July 19, 2010 at 10:09 PM
Luke said...

Oh gosh - I'm watching a Netflix movie as I write this. Guilt. Also, I really want to watch Conspiracy Theory now... way better than it got credit for! :)

July 20, 2010 at 12:43 PM
Wild Celtic said...

:::snicker::: you crack me up. But I appreciate the free-thinking that your mind encourages. Great things for you in the future.

July 20, 2010 at 3:51 PM
Jason H. said...

With Netflix, just to add to the horror of the coming zombie apocalypse: this is how it happens in the movies! Netflix's final, ironic blow is life imitating art!

July 20, 2010 at 4:31 PM