Howdy, all! This is your fearless leader, Simon/Ripley/Whatever, bringing you what probably none of you were waiting for! Like, in the least! But whateva!
Here, I shall continue the (ahem) epic saga of Chuck Norris vs. Katharine Hepburn. Joining me are three awesome folks Le Sugary Cynic of the eponymous, who's kind of awesome plus the aforementioned awesome, which makes it awesome to the second, or A^2, Mattsuzaka, proprieter of the Chuck Norris Ate My Baby blogathon, which started this shit, as you know, and Robert of His Eyes Were Watching Movies, who is my Internet Homeboy, by age approximation proxy. I know! Craziness!
So, let's get down to business. Where we last left off, Kate and Chuck were at a deadlock. One win each, and one tie. Katharine dazzled with her beauty, Chuck with his kicking of ass. We were stalled when neither I nor my late partner Tom could decide between the two in the category of Awesome. Because, y'know.
Not to ramble, let's get on with the show! Yays!
(and, yes, I realize how ridiculously past 'next Wednesday' it is)
Over in this corner (the one locked from the outside), we got Chuck Norris, in his Sunday chaps. Leather vest, fingerless gloves for some reason, something dangerously close to a mullet. He's got his game face on, that's for sure. Let's see what the judges think.
SugaryCynic: I’d have to say I’m deeply frightened, but also strangely aroused
Robert: You had me at Fingerless Gloves. Someone needs to bring those back into style...who better than Chuck Norris?
Mattsuzaka: He looks very strong today, and his beard certainly looks as thick and course as I've ever seen it...if this were a pots and pans scrub off, he would definitely have the advantage.
Indeed. Now, over in that corner, the only other one by process of elimination (or is it?), Katharine Hepburn's in Adam's Rib mode, and she knows what to do with it. Stripping her silken cape and ninja sword holders off to reveal her wifebeater, cargo pants, army boots, and brass knuckles. See, that's how you dress for war!
Mattsuzaka: Hepburn's wrinkles are looking very deep, but it does not show in her eyes what so ever. She looks ready to make burger out of this Chuck.
Robert: (Obnoxiously cheering) Yea Katharine! Yea! That's how you make an entrance! ...Sorry.
SC: Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner…to kick some ass!
-Katharine and referee, let's call him Theodore Roosevelt, an inaudible squabble, lot of punches thrown. Finally, Katharine, seeing Chuck dare squint at her, gives in and hands over her butterfly knife, previously hid in the nether pockets of her pants-
I: Woo! That could've gotten ugly!
Mattsuzaka: Ouch, she sure is a sneaky one. Maybe someone should check her birthday suit pocket for nun chucks!
Let's get on with this shit. See the gimp walking over with his little hammer, ready to ring the bell. Aw, he's so cute! Coming up to the mike is Morgan Freeman, our announcer:
"Are you ready to ruuuuuuuuumble!?!?"
I: We are! We are ready to rumble!
"Do you want to get mean!?"
Hell yeah! Go Morgan Freeman, in this uncharacteristic bout of aggression!
SC: Few people know this, but Morgan Freeman actually holds the world heavyweight mixed martial arts title.
Mattsuzaka: He also has really weird freckles...what's up with those things? Maybe they are used as a distraction to win MMA fights?
*some more wrestling jargon I'll think of later*
"In this corner, weighing in 250 pounds of muscle, the Texas Ranger, the Walking Fist, the Red Scare, put your hands together for CCCCHHHHUCK NOOOOOOOORRRRRRRIIIIISSS!"
*gives it up*
"And in this corner, weighing at (ahem) pounds, the African Queen, Diana of the Hunt, Hep C-to-the-K, it's KATHARINE HEEEEPPPPBBBBUUUURRRRNNNN!"
*up it gives*
Yes! I agree!
-Morgan Freeman is screaming really loud now, and I'm wondering if it's really Morgan Freeman or that hobo that loiters around my house. Morgan Freeman's white, right? Oh, dear-"THEN LET'S KICK THIS FUCKER OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"
-Cutie pie Gimp feebly bangs bell-
SC: D’aww! Where’d you get him? I want one!
Mattsuzaka: Funny, my dad has that same gimp costume...hey!
Chuck starts with a signature roundhouse kick in Katharine's direction.
*Crazy awesome roundhouse kick*
Mattsuzaka: Oh yeah, this is the spin kick that stopped the cold war and could mean the end of Kath if he lands it just right...
Oh, miss! I don't even know who that guy is, but it appears he just wandered on stage in a suicidal trance and left himself to god. (if I can butt in here) S.C.: You know what they say, “the Good Chuck giveth and the Good Chuck taketh away” Let's pray for him, folks...what the fuck?
-Chuck Norris has stopped his leggly crusade, kneels and prays in front of the bleeding guy-
I: For fuck's sake.
Robert: Did not see that coming.
Meanwhile, Katharine, in a move I can only characterise as using her brass balls to knock the conservativeness right out of Chuck's skull-
Ohhhhh! Damn, that had to hurt!
Robert: I really would have used silver myself, but brass is a bold choice.
SC: We can only speculate as to where she was keeping those!
Mattsuzaka: From what I've read, there's room for a whole weapons cache in her nether regions.
-Chuck, not to be made the fool, rights himself and...-
-...punches Kate in the face. With his third fist. Y'know, the one on his gloriously bearded-and-clefted chin-
*half the crowd cheers, other boos-
The crowd did not like that!
(more like decidedly mixed feelings)
Mattsuzaka: I've only seen Norris use that third fist when with three women at once and certainly not in a violent way.
SC: The 3rd fist can only mean that Katharine’s got him on the ropes! He’s getting desperate!
-Katherine, too, rights herself with an angry, some would say ungraceful, grunt, and lights herself a cigarette with the dexterity and speed only found in children of the 30s-
*some 30s-style newspaper-jibber that leaves Chuck, this announcer, nay, the whole stadium baffled*
-A look is shared by the two rivals, now temporarily allies, in their quest to create such smoldering competition as to shock the audience into an abrupt, dazed silence-
*picture of Katherine looking intense*
*Picture of Chuck looking intense*
Powerful stuff, ladies and gentlemen.
SC: Now make out! I wanna see some tongue!
Mattsuzaka: Are they fighting with their minds?
-the moment is broken by a single redneck with a Walker, Texas Ranger T-shirt (Robert: wat da hellz!?). He throws a half-empty beer can at Katharine's lovely cranium (Robert: how DARE he...), wear it bounces off like it had hit the hood of a car, and he whoops a misogynistic comment we won't repeat here, how vulgar, not in my house! Neither Chuck nor Katharine will take such flack-
Lemme tell you, guys, I do not envy that poor fuck right now.
-A battle of brawn has turned into a battle of honor, as the two warriors make their way over the crowd, they appear to float, in their grace. Reaching the man at the same time, the duo pick him up by the collar and drag him, still flying despite the bulk, back to the ring. There, they proceed to whoop his flabby butt in ways I, a measly narrator, dare not repeat. It speaks for itself, yeah-
Robert: Yeah, that guy's definitely On Golden Pond now...a golden pond...of...urine...? Okay obviously the puns aren't really working.
SC: I haven’t seen an ass-kicking of such proportions since the Golden Girls brawl of ‘88
(am I the asteriks, the dashes, or me? Who knows. Not I)
-and like that, the offender is tossed back into the crowd, a broken man, a changed man. Never shall he forget the day he was destroyed by the most deadly team since Batman and his belt-
Robert: That's the truth, that's one for the scrapbooks right there.
Truly, a profound event this is turning out to be. We've gotten blood, gore, prayer, wits, honor, karatay, and rednecks--
Robert: Sounds like a typical friday night for me!!!
I: Thank you, Robert.
--Are you people still insatiable?
Robert: I'M NEVER SATIATED!!!! GRRRR
Very well. It goes against not only the law, but my very moral codes (Robert: Not mine). But I shall continue to allow this battle. Gimp! The bell!
*it's the gimp from Pulp Fiction, ya'll*
SC: So then I should talk to Zed about how to get one (possible Bruce Willis intrusion claiming “Zed’s dead, baby”)
-Gimp smacks bell, chimes a little-
Corners are replenished, third knuckles are cracked, hair is curled, tobacco is spit, war paint re-applyed--
Robert: Hey, I thought this was a wrestling match, not the sequel to Avatar! Bwahaha.
I: Take your pills, Robert.
Our two champions swagger to center stage, a dislike renewed into hatred, it would appear. What a show.
-they shake hands, nails digging into each other's. Chuck's beard twitches, one can only imagine what he's thinking of. Katharine squints a calculating squint, jaw clenched. A clench that screams 'bring it on, guy! *more 30s jargon*'-
-A roundhouse here, the slap there, cigarettes smoldering into unprotected eyes, muscles flexed into guts, a heel breaking said bicep down to the bone (where'd she get a heel?). Shit's getting real, yo-
Mattsuzaka: Kathy is holding on well and the choice to wear a sports bra was a good one too...we all saw what happened two years back when she rumbled with MR. T.
SC: Chuck’s bringing The Lone Wolf McPain! …What? Too obscure?
Robert: OMG were those Prada heels?!
Up, looks like the ref is none too happy with the dirty play.
-Teddy storms on stage, stylish suit only surpassed by his Mustache of Fury.
Robert: (More Obnoxious cheering) YEAHHH TEDDAYYYYY!!!!
Chuck Norris and he begin to swap facial hair-grooming tips, while Katharine cools off by punching a slab of beef her coach, Spencer Tracy, holds out for her. he is clearly winded. Soon, however, Teddy and Chuck get into a disagreement over the proper direction in which to comb one's mustache, and an even more epic battle emerges when Katharine abandons the meat and Tracy to join in. The squinting, at this point, is astronomical-
What a shocking turn of events!
SC: I’m shocked!
Robert: I'm hanging on the edge of my seat! Literally!!!
Mattsuzaka: I wish that dude selling nachos would come this way for once.
-Chuck, having had it with this bullshit, yo, he's gotta get back to his Republican blog, draws his fist back and preps a mighty punch. Katharine, at the same time, brings her hand forward for a Slap of Men. And Teddy, oh, dear god, Teddy, he brings his fingers into a peace/V sign, as his presidental advisor has warned him about punching the shit out of potential voters, and goes to poke the two enemies in the eye(s). But they must stop midway from their destinations. You know why, gentle readers?
They have accidentally entered into the most epic Rock Paper Scissors of all time. How could this possibly--
Mattsuzaka: Wow, that sure was something else...wonder will the fight will continue now that the universe has collapsed? *Imagines Chuck and Kathy fighting it out in a dessert wasteland as the sun set behind them* Wait, how am I even still here?
Robert: Wow, what a fight. I have not seen something that shocking since, well...honestly, never. That was easily the most epic battle ever waged between two completely different icons of popular culture. Ms. Hepburn was at her prime, Mr. Norris was being...Chuck Norris, and Teddy is just awesome. There are no words, really, for the kind of awe that I am experiencing right now. This was definitely a tossup, but just because I love her so, I'm handing this one to Katharine Hepburn! (But wait a minute, didn't the universe just collapse? So...how am I writing this? Is there even a winner at all? I'm scared.)
SC: Somehow I always knew i'd go in a universe-imploding fight to the death/rock-paper-scissors game between Chuck Norrise, Katharine Hepburn and a dead president...I just didn't think it would be so silly. At least it ended better than Lost.
And that's it, folks.
Thank you, my lovelies, for your patient participation and witticisms. I will, as always, be taking my Pulitzer by post.