Four of Them

-Starring British Dude from Lost, Ron Perlman, and Larry Fessenden, about two graverobbers in a Victorian era where the dead springing back to life in all different forms is common place among the city's underbelly. In the beginning, we see Willie Grimes (Fessenden) beheaded, and Father Duffy (Perlman) coming to take the final words of Willie's partner, Arthur (uh...Dominic Monaghan). Here, he explains how he and Willie got into the business, and furthermore, how they got accused of murder.

-Now, see, this movie is funny. Like, really funny. And also terrifying in places. There's their first encounter with the undead, a vampire who twitches about, and it's scary, but also kind of hysterical as Willie and Arthur try to wrangle her. I wish they had more scenes like that, with just these two supposed seasoned professionals (even though they border on bumbling) deal with the vampires and zombies and aliens they find in the graves. I would dig that.

-But, no. A whole subplot involving a rival gang, the House of Murphy, these vicious, showy dudes who, admittedly, do get an awesome backstory scene. But really, it slows shit down, gives the movie some semblance of a plot. Which, y'know, fuck plots. Plots are for pussies and old people. I want morons beating zombies to death with shovels, damn you!

-*spoilas*

What was the point of the character of Fanny, anyway? She's there for maybe five, ten minutes, before getting a knife (or a ninja star...? Let's go with ninja star) to the forehead. Like, seriously, Glenn McQuaid (god, how Irish is that?), what up? She's, like, the scapegoat for Willie and Arthur, the only one of them who does any killing, the one who convinces them to go to the island to get some lost zombie crates. Basically getting them in their current predicament, and adds some cleavage, and some Irish-chick stereotypes. Then she dies. The entire plot could've gone on find, smoothly, without her. She doesn't even add any emotional shit for the main two, she gets mentioned twice after the fact as 'what about poor Fanny?' Then, nothing. God, producers, just except some bromance.

-Still, this movie is kind of awesome. Go rent it or whatever.