Brief Thoughts on Subjects You Don't Care About: Child Stars

Saturday, November 6, 2010 2:59 PM By Simon

Once they hit puberty, it can go three ways: Jodie Foster, Hilary Duff, or Lindsay Lohan.

I know, fairly random people, but it was the top of my head's fault, you see. It has no feet to think on.

They can go the route of Lindsay Lohan: a mess of drugs, arrests, and bad pop music. People are exasperated with the chick, but you know, if she doesn't die or get twenty to life for killing some dude, she'll emerge from this haze in demand for movies wanting notoriety, or at least notability, and reporters wanting...I dunno. The same thing.

They can go the route of Jodie Foster (and maybe future Emma Watson): Go to college, emerge smelling like roses and dignity, do some quality films, collect some Oscars, be awesome.

Or, finally, they can go the route of Hilary Duff: Too clean for scandal, too boring for celebrity, too flat for acting note. It is her career that depresses me the most. See, I was trying to decide whether I should watch a film from the library, or one of my high-piling collection of unwatched, neglected DVDs (thanks a fucking lot, Netflix. You ruin lives), and one of the library ones was War, Inc. At this point, I only remember two bits of the advertisement: Joan Cusack yelling through a video-thing, and Hilary Duff dropping a scorpian down her pants.

It wasn't scandalous. Some media tried to make it so, but the world greeted this faux-transgression with a hurricane-winds 'eh'. Because at that point, only fifty percent of her original audience remembered who she was, and everyone else never cared in the first place. She's been lounging about indie comedy hell for a couple years now, turning out mind numbing titles such as According to Greta and What Goes Up. In all of them, if Wikipedia is truthful (shut up), she plays a Lolita/self-destructive type who's trying to fuck someone for the sake of it. One of these roles is someone trying to break out. Multiple ones is someone who failed the first time, and overcompensating.

And then she did Community. My favorite show. Wherein she didn't have enough screentime to suck. But cred points anyway, because that was an excellent episode (trampolines!). At last count, she was doing a remake of Bonnie and Clyde with Kevin Zegers and Thora Birch, and wrote a young adult novel.

A young adult novel. For fuck's sake.

That is why she depresses me most of all. She's just...boring.



Anonymous said...

Weird. I was just thinking about Hilary Duff last night in bed. NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.

Anyway, I want a "I'd rather be Lindsay Lohan" shirt or license plate frame. Just kidding.

I still love her, though. That is the sad truth.

November 6, 2010 at 6:10 PM
AK said...

"...Once they hit puberty, it can go three ways: Jodie Foster, Hilary Duff, or Lindsay Lohan." F'ng brilliant.
Then again, it can get even worse: Haylie Duff. Don't mean that bitchy either, but what's SHE gonna do?

November 6, 2010 at 8:49 PM
Luke said...

Maybe it's just that her teeth reconstruction or whatever made her almost unrecognizable. It took me a couple scenes during the Community episode to even recall who she was!

November 7, 2010 at 5:59 PM
Simon said...

Franz: Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff?

Rob: Haylie Duff? Is she even doing anything?

Luke: That's because she's been off somewhere forever. Or something.

November 7, 2010 at 8:14 PM
Anonymous said...

L for Lindsay love.

November 8, 2010 at 9:27 PM