Battle Royale: Katharine Hepburn vs. Chuck Norris

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 3:07 PM By Simon

Partly in honor of Katharine Hepburn's birthday (she would've been 103 *sob*), and partly as a contribution to Chuck Norris Ate My Baby's Chuckathon. let's look at the stats.

Chuck Norris:

Walker, Texas Ranger
The Way of the Dragon
Missing in Action

Breaker! Breaker!
Good Guys Wear Black
A Force of One
The Octagon
An Eye for an Eye
Silent Rage
Forced Vengeance
Lone Wolf McQuenn

Katharine Hepburn:

Sylvia Scarlett
Adam's Rib
Woman of the Year
The African Queen
The Rainmaker
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Bringing Up Baby
Mary of Scotland
Morning Glory

State of the Union

Round 1: Pretty(ness)

On the left, we got Chuck. A man's man, he's got chest hair, he's got muscles, he's got sweaty muscles, and he's got machismo. But...oh, no! Beard! Going to lose serious points with the judges for that one.


On the right, we got Katharine. A graceful beauty, yet not afraid to wear the pants. The hair, the cheekbones, the classiness! But, damn, she's dearly departed, I'm afraid. That will not fare well with the judges.

Me: Whaddya think, Tom? (Tom is my imaginary co-announcer)
Tom: Wakka wakka. (who's also Pacman)
Me: I concur. I think we all know who's got this round made.

Winna: Katharine Hepburn

Round 2: Kick-ass(edness)


A raging feminist's icon, she's spanned generations as a role model to young girls, actors, and humanity in general. She's taken on Cary Grant, Spencer Tracy, and Humphrey Bogart, coming out on top each time. Truly, she's a hero to us all.

Me: Right on, sister. Now, let's go on over to Chuck's court--


Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris".
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
"Icy-Hot" is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"… not even close.

Me: That's...that's very impressive. It's gonna be a close one. Whaddya think, Tom?
Tom: *eats ghosts*
Me: Right you are, Tom. Now, let's take a look at the judge's corner.
Tom: *run, ghosts, run!*

Winna: Chuck Norris

Round 3: Awesomeness

Me: In the Norris appears the pit crew's laptop has run out of batteries. No more Chuck Norris facts for them.
Tom: Wakka.
Me: Oh, wait! Recovering, they're presenting a video!
Tom: Wakka.
Me: Me too, Tom. Me too.


Me: Damn! That's gonna be a tough one to follow up, huh, Tom?
Tom: *damn*
Me: I know! Alright then, over at Katharine's corner...


Me: A trailer for Adam's Rib!
Tom: Wakka.
Me: Right-O, Tom. She's going to have to do better than that--


Me: Oh.
Tom: *go Hepburn*
Me: I'm afraid.
Tom *quiverwakka*
Me: Over at the judge's table...

Winna: TIE

Me: Looks like an indecision, Tom. You know what that means!
Tom: *he doesn't*
Me: A real Battle Royal!
Tom: *woo*
Me: Next week!
Tom: *...*
Me: That's right, ladies and gentlemen! A tie means, next Wednesday, same time, same place, Katharine Hepburn and Chuck Norris will face off! Oh my god!
Tom: *crazy awesome*
Me: Until then, gentle viewers, head on over to the poll on the sidebar and vote for who you think should win this shit. Any questions, concerns, comments, or recommended battle moves, take it to the comments, or else email I, your gracious host, at WiiThePeopleof (at) hotmail (dot) com. See you at the finals, my darlings!
Tom: Wakka wakka!
Ghosts: *dying screams*


Alex said...

Uh hello, Katherine Hepburn. No problem. She'll take anyone down with her affected accent and killer cheekbones, and still have time to verbally spar with Spencer Tracy.

May 12, 2010 at 6:32 PM
Anonymous said...

Ummm...Hepburn hands down. The only one who could ever beat her in a fight would be Don Johnson.

May 13, 2010 at 7:47 AM
CMrok93 said...

To be truly honest there shouldn't even be a competition for this. Chuck Norris always wins.

May 13, 2010 at 3:46 PM
1001: A Film Odyssey is produced, directed and written by Chris, a librarian. said...

I think Chuck would have probably answered "a 2 by 4" to the If you were a tree, what kind would you be? question.

May 13, 2010 at 4:04 PM
Anonymous said...

Will you make a blog roll section for fuck sake!

May 13, 2010 at 8:23 PM
Simon said...

I don't know how! I'm retarded with blogger!

(no need to shout)

May 13, 2010 at 8:37 PM
Frank said...

You are a...she...?

May 14, 2010 at 6:32 AM
Luke said...

Oh wow. That Donahue clip was great. Obviously Katharine all the way.
(Although I used to watch Top Dog with my grandpa probably every day, so there may be a good fight... :)

May 14, 2010 at 8:27 AM
Simon said...

I'm a she. Why does that surprise people? Can't a girl just like the name Simon?

May 14, 2010 at 12:22 PM
Frank said...

No, the Teddy Roosevelt hardon throws me off.

May 14, 2010 at 12:56 PM
Simon said...

He's the most badass president ever to grace our hallowed country, yo.

May 14, 2010 at 1:19 PM
Frank said...

He's the luckiest President to ever become President yo - but still a great President. Yo

May 14, 2010 at 2:50 PM
Anonymous said...

I'd definitely fall on the Hepburn side. Although...that elegant "prettiness" of Chuck Norris definitely earns him points ;)

May 14, 2010 at 3:08 PM
Simon said...

Frank--I'll disregard the minor disparaging of Teddy, yo.

Everyone else--Thanks, then, for weighing in, and future commenters too (ahem).

Roisin--He is a majestic creature, isn't he? Yo.

May 14, 2010 at 3:21 PM
Anonymous said...

@Simon Yes, I think he's got some Chuck chic going on :)

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