Why the zombie apocalypse will secretly be awesome

Saturday, May 15, 2010 4:19 PM By Simon

We all know what's coming. Pretty soon, the stuff of Romero nightmares will become waking life. The dead shall overpopulate Davy Jones' Locker, crawl up what I imagine must be a fire men's pole going up to Canada, and take over the planet, feasting to their hearts' delight on our tender American flesh.

But if movies have taught me anything--and, that is, everything--then I can tell you one thing: provided I don't get my wee heart ripped out by Zombie Jesus and the Beast Feast (the zombies, I feel, would be less intimidating if we gave them lame death metal band names), I won't mind one bit. Here's why:

1) Free Shit

Dude. When have you watched a zombie movie and thought, "Gee, they must be starving". Never. Because fiscal responsibility is not an issue in post-Zombie America. Gone are the blase Reagan ideologies of 'working for something'. No, you want that fucking gumball machine? You go right ahead and take it, because who's gonna stop you? God's judging wrath? Which brings us into...

2) Killing!

Yes, latent sociopaths. In my Zombie America, gone will be the days of legal repercussions for decapitating someone. And why? They're already dead! And they were coming at you! Self-defense! And I didn't forget about you, morally upright citizens! Because, thank yourgod, these aren't real people! They're walking corpses! You get a free card to kill anyone that annoys you, all because you thought they were a zombie. At worst, you'll be guilty of corpse depracation, which is, y'know, nothing, in the grand scheme of things.

3) Excuse to be badass

Seriously, all you have to do is pick up a bloody ax and a machine guy, take out a couple of zombies, and get fucking laid by whichever girl in your party of survivors is most likely to get bitten ironically. I assure you.


Frank said...

You are a strange person.

May 16, 2010 at 10:26 AM
Simon said...

What's your point?

May 16, 2010 at 12:02 PM
Frank said...

I rarely have one. But when I do, it's Earth shattering.

May 16, 2010 at 12:26 PM