2010 Movies I Will Not Be Seeing Under Any Circumstances

Thursday, April 8, 2010 1:00 PM By Simon


These be films I won't dignify with a poster.

The Back-Up Plan
Hey, guys. Remember that time way back when Jennifer Lopez was an actress, not a celebrity, and people liked her? Well, now we can like her again! As a woman who meets the man of her dreams the day she GETS INSEMINATED WITH A FUCKING CHILD! HOW FUCKING WACKY! Oh, and the guy is from Moonlight. Make of that what you will.

Furry Vengeance
It just looks so...awful. Not even pass-the-time-with-some-stupid-PG-ness enjoyable-bad, just bad. Brendan Fraser used to be cool, back in the day. Now, what the fuck's up?

Why Did I Get Married Too?
You know times are troubled when we let Tyler Perry do sequels.

Death at a Funeral
Okay, let me get this perfectly clear. They're remaking an English language movie from three years ago. Why? Who fucking cares.

Robin Hood
Did I ask for Russell Crow in tights? No.

Get Him To The Greek
I can't tell if it's a sequel, a spinoff, a vehicle, or what, but it bores me to tears.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Jake Gyllenhaal? Awesome. Bloated action psuedo-epics with more kinda-British accents and strategically placed loinclothes than an Egyptian-themed gay bar? Fuck you.

Killers
Okay, the premise could've been good. But, listen to me: Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl trying to out-douche each other is not my cup of tea, no it's not.

Marmaduke
Oh, yay. CGI dogs making dog-related puns and doing vaguely dog-related things, dance numbers, that sort of thing.

Sex and the City 2
Fuck yourself, Parker.

The A-Team
I don't get you, Bradley Cooper. Also, generic looking action flicks that try to seem like more through legacy alone will not fly.

The Karate Kid
aka What I Did On Summer Vacation, by Jaden Smith.

Grown-Ups
How is it possible that this group of not-funny-at-all fucktard SNL rejects get to be in movies? How!?!

Knight & Day
Sure, I'll see you, Cameron Diaz. In hell.
(lame jokes)

The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Oh, jeez...

Salt
Look, Angelina Jolie. I do not buy you as anything other than Angelina Jolie. It's not going to happen.

Step Up 3-D
No comment.

Eat, Pray, Love
What pretty rich people say speaks to them.

Little Fockers
Just...no. Okay?

17 comments:

Luke said...

Oh god that Brendan Fraser movie looks so awful. The worst part is that he thinks the over-the-top "Miley Cyrus!" thing that's in the trailer is going to be some quotable work of genius or something. Cringe...

April 8, 2010 at 3:10 PM
Robert said...

I think my obsession with Catherine O'Hara might force me to see Killers...against my will. She probably has throwaway part in it too! Gah!

April 8, 2010 at 3:21 PM
Simon said...

Luke, my mother is inexplicably escited to see this (I know because during the trailer, she laughed very loudly. The entire time).

Not even Catherine O'Hara can convert me, I'm afraid. I know she's trying, but lady...

April 8, 2010 at 3:25 PM
Michael C. said...

Slapping an nostalgic title on action script 37B didn't get me to see GI Joe and it won't get me to see A-Team

April 8, 2010 at 3:59 PM
Mike Lippert said...

I'm actually kind of excited to see Knight and Day. If I need to see a big budget action comedy it might as well be with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. In regards to Furry Vengance, I actually had to read the script about 4 months ago and trust me, it is far worse than the trailers make it look. Not even kidding.

April 8, 2010 at 4:07 PM
Simon said...

I know you're not. Though I find it hard to believe it could go lower than my expectations of it.

April 8, 2010 at 5:49 PM
James D. said...

The Death at a Funeral Thing makes me laugh. We have determined that Americans do not like old movies, and don't like foreign movies, so they must be remade. But now Americans can't stomach a film where the characters speak in an English accent? The mind reels.

April 8, 2010 at 6:25 PM
Castor said...

I think Robin Hood is going to be good. You should keep your mind open on that one :)

April 9, 2010 at 9:20 AM
Robert said...

I just wish that Catherine O'Hara would get some better roles! She deserves it. (Pardon my incessant Catherine O'Hara love haha)

April 9, 2010 at 8:12 PM
Simon said...

Oh, no need. It's perfectly understandable.

April 9, 2010 at 9:13 PM
anahita said...

lmao this made me giggle so much :D I'm agreed with most of these, apart from robin hood. For one thing, him in tights isn't all that bad :P and although I hate it when they make old stories and legends into massive modern action epics, this one has piqued my curiosity. Plus, the trailer wasn't half bad. And Robin Hood just rocks. Oh, and Russell Crowe is awesome. So yeah x

April 10, 2010 at 10:27 AM
Franz Patrick said...

Brendan Fraser had JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH. I liked it. =p

I saw most of these and they were awful. I liked SALT and EAT PRAY LOVE, though. Anything with food.

January 17, 2011 at 10:59 PM
Manikandan said...

I think Robinhood is the right choice to be in the List. But I was disappointment to see 'The karate Kid' in the above list. I love the film. Its really well deserved to be a good film to watch. Also, The A-Team and Knight & day must be added in the list. Cheers :)

March 31, 2011 at 8:44 AM
Vancetastic said...

Now that this is way in the past (thanks for linking to it on the side), I can say that I saw eight of those films. And may have liked one of them.

I see why this is considered a "popular post." Funny stuff.

November 17, 2011 at 10:38 PM
Simon said...

Vance: I don't make the Popular Posts rules, good buddy, I just exploit them. And thank you.

November 18, 2011 at 1:11 PM
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