Death 4 Told

Friday, August 20, 2010 7:39 PM By Simon

Oh, children. Did you know that bloggers do things outside of blogging? I didn't. No until His Great White Dopeness announced that he had been in a movie. With actors. Some of whom have their own Wikipedia page (which is how you know you've made it)!

He held a giveaway for said movie, and I was all, hells yeah, bitches! And I was all *finalist*, but then Alex at Film Forager went and won it, and I hold no grudges, ha, but then I discovered that it was on Netflix! Which is awesome!

So here we go, my dears.

"The Doll's House"

A couple rents a house of suspicious size and affordability from a woman who was once the maid to the family living there, before they all, y'know, keeled over. Right off the bat: bad camerawork, which is to be expected from such low budgetness, music so loud it threatens to drown out the dialogue, which goes a little something like this: "I didn't know there was a plaground across the street." "There's a playground?" "Yeah, across the street." This dialogue is from the lead couple-thing, who have lived there a week at that point, and I find it highly suspect they didn't see a motherfucking playground until then.

Man of Couple is a writer, and in one scene inspects a hardcover copy of his book. Since I didn't get a good look at the title, I'm gonna assume it was Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Therefore, this male person shall from here on out be known as JK.

So JK goes to a bar, where he meets Pete the Drunk. Who has a high voice and big eyes and he's played by His Dopeness, so it's cool, right?

Pete warns of peeping young Toby, and from there, the plot rides into the predictable, as they got haunted by said Toby, eight-year-old ghost who's a doll or a pumpkinhead or something. His first appearence, I'll give the movie, is nicely, if blandly, edited. The acting isn't very bad, just kind of indifferent. Dialogue stilted, plot poorly executed. Let's move on. Because that plot quickly resolved itself.


I think this is supposed to be one of thse character-based horror films, but holy shit, these characters suck. I mean, they're just awful. The actors show glimmers of not-sucking, but the characters are giant douchebags I want to punch in the face. Nothing good about this.

Also, knowing what the difference between wolves and dogs is not covered in biology, unless you take an animal biology class(-thing). And chemistry has nothing to do with pots, you dildos.

"World's Most Haunted"

The only one of these four that try anything original, following a camera crew filming a reality show in an abandoned mental asylum (ugh).

Some good stuff here and there, sure, but the dialogue is drowned out by sound effects, the acting is, at best, tolerable, and there's this one guy who, when asked if he think the asylum's haunted, replies something along the lines of "I don't know, but I do know that when I'm done with it, it will be." That makes no sense.

Also compressed story, although I like the quasi-Pontypool aspect near the end. Anyway.

"The Psychic"

Okay, so now we got Tom Savini for a minute, Alicia Goranson, and Margot Kidder, for some reason. There's some lovin' music that sounds directly recorded from a radio, ful frontal nudity, whatnot. Margot Kidder does best with what she's given, which is, y'know, shitty.

I'm dispirited. Farewell.


Anonymous said...

Beautiful. Couldn't have said it any better. NOW; aren't you glad you don't own it??


August 21, 2010 at 9:00 AM