Review of Burlesque Trailer (by Danielle)

Thursday, August 5, 2010 8:33 PM By Simon

Hi, I'm Danielle. I'm her sister.



-"One way or round trip?"
"You're kidding, right?"

Already Xtina proves herself to be an unlikeable heroine, mocking this poor bus station employee for a reasonable inquiry. How is he supposed to know about your rising star? He is but a vehicle for your first witty quip in what is sure to be a long and lasting film career!

-Screen Gems

-dancing striped sock GLAMGASM "in the city of DREAMS"...

-city overview GLAM Hollywood Blvd! GLAM "and beyond your IMAGINATION"...

-sparkleSHINEsparkle; our heroine, who sleeps on a bus like only a singer-turned-actress could sleep on a bus, opens her eyes just as she is entering the CITY OF DREAMS THAT IS ALSO BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION, looking on all squinty and mystified, sparkling with ambition and potential and this bish is going far, honeys. Sparkle.

-Dance, kick flips, hookers in vanity mirrors, looking a lot like the "Lady Marmalade" video on LSD, stripper heels in front of shining lights, GLAM.

-more dance, sparkleshinesparkle, Cher voiceover...

-"...it's like art only instead of painting a canvas, your painting a face..." Is this supposed to be wisdom, Cher? Because I'm pretty sure that is the text book definition of makeup aplication. A homeless person could have told you that. How did you beat out Meryl Streep for the Oscar again?

-She's so gonna be like Terrence Howard in Glitter, I can tell.

-THERE EXISTS A MAGICAL WORLD SPARKLE SHINE SPARKLE!!!

-Looking like "Ain't No Other Man" video on more LSD, lotsa pink overtones, "What is this place?" (IDK why don't you find out before you walk in you dipshit?) *cherry drop* *super gay dude that is probly gonna end up the Love Interest even though he is clearly gay because, you guys, he's wearing a leather vest AND NOTHING ELSE*

-*Cher sass*

-Stanley Tucci once again playing sarcastic straight-man, Xtina being naive! and innocent!

-"I really wanna be a part of it!" Um, you didn't even know what "it" was five seconds ago, sweetie. How about some oneline research before you become a high-ring call girl for rich Korean buisness men, huh?

-Stranger Danger, kids.

-*sassy waitress kick* SPARKLE *Cher sass*

-Kristen Bell being dark-haired, so you know she's going to be Xtina's Rival (even though she beats her in the whole "innocent" thing to such a degree that it feels sacrilige watching her do teh sex).

-*eye close* *dream big* *Stanly Tucci tellin' it like it is*

-Is that dude from Twilight? I think it is.

-How could he possibly get gayer?

-*auditions*

-"Please, Cher! I gots what it takes! I gots heart and I gots soul and I wants its so baaaaaaaads!" "Peace out, girl scout" "Lemme do it anyways!" *stupid Cher inspirational speech or something*

-Sexy Xtina!

-"Hey, fellow Burlseque club owner, we're at a loss for an act!"
"WTF? Weren't there just a gaggle of girlies with garters in the corner over there?"
"They were wearing so much hairspray they got stuck together and I don't think this crowds into that sort of thing."
"Well hot damn. Let's throw that waitress we hired last night up on stage. Maybe she can juggle!"
"Good thinking, Chuck. Hey, about the other night..."
"Drop it, Ken. It's in the past."

-Completly-unsurprising-but-we-are supposed-to-be-shocked-so-just-play-along-because Chers-not-getting-any-younger onlsaught of killer nonsense notes that Xtina does anyway so why am I paying nine dollars to see it on a bigger screen fuck that I'll just rent Date Night.

-Tim Cummings *awe* Gay Twilight Vampire *awe* Kristen Bell *awe* Tuch Man *awe* Eric Dane *unimportant* Cher *AWE*

-*title song* IT TAKES A LEGEND *Cher voiceover*

-sparkleSHINEsparkle TO MAKE A STAR (isn't it the other way around? whatevs)

-Kristen Bell *bitchiness*

-*wink wink*

*spakrle*

*kiss*

*COMING SOON!*

3 comments:

D Swizzle said...

i forgot to mention that the song "Burlesque" sounds a lot like "Dirrty".

August 6, 2010 at 1:25 PM
Franz Patrick said...

Sooo gathering my gays and hags to see this.

I haven't yet decided if I'm being serious or sarcastic.

August 8, 2010 at 10:27 PM