The Expendables: A Case Study On Old Men Getting Their Ass Kicked and How It Might Be Our Fault by Danielle

Friday, August 20, 2010 7:48 PM By Simon

Look at that. You can just smell the America sweating off of him.

--There is so much to be said about The Expendables (or Sly Stallone's Mid Life Crisis), much of it sassy and critical, maybe even a little catty (look at that guy's arms! why can't those be my arms?) but, you guys, WTF is wrong with people? Who thought this was a good idea? Once more, what wise guy thought he could stuff a plot into this pile of suck? Are they letting mentally challenged twelve year olds produce movies now? Oh wait.

--Truly, I walked into this movie with as little expectations as I could muster without actually not seeing it. I expected cheese and manliness and funny faces and Jason Statham being awesome. And in it's most simplistic form, that's what I got.

--Really silly severing of limbs.

--There's this part at the end where I can't tell if it's meant to be joking or what, but there's NO JOKE a Casablanca-esque goodbye scene where Sly's all like, "I'll always be around" and I'm like *nose snort*.

--In the beginning they showed a trailer for Devil and, I kid you not, when M. Night Shananana's name appears everyone cracked up. I'd suggest getting your shit together, dear sir, or you don't want to know what's gonna be on your gravestone.

--For the record, Sister and I saw the very same trailer at Scott Pilgrim and were all like, "Ohhh...." audibly.

--Anyway, Mickey Rourke fo shiz gives the best performance of the night with his single emotional scene that packed more of a punch then this movie deserves to call it's own.

--Otherwise, everyone sucked. They sucked hard.

--I mean, I get it's a lot of dudes to give story arcs to but jesus most of these guys had like one line and fifteen minutes of screen time. Schwartzy Governator and McClaine were just cameos. Eric Roberts was an insult to the human race. Angel from Dexter had his little bit as a Made Up Latino Island Dictator but he never came across as dictatory, instead acting more as this rich American dude's bitch. Jet Lee was made a fool of, even though Kung Fu kicks Terry Cruise's shriveled balls any day.

--Gayest movie since Eclipse.


Danielle is here.


Patricia ~ The Naked Writer said...

Ha! I didn't think there could ever be a gayer movie than eclipse!
i almost want to see it now just to be sure lol

August 20, 2010 at 11:24 PM
Fitz said...

"Gayest movie since Eclipse." - Four of Them

Really hope this ends up on the dvd box.

August 23, 2010 at 9:30 AM
Heather said...

It was supposed to be cheesy and campy and silly and over the top. That was the entire point. If Sly wasn't playing it straight there would have been nothing to laugh at, and THERE was a lot to laugh at. It was exactly what it was advertised to be, which wasn't Lethal Weapon or Die Hard, it was a silly movie created for a certain group of people. It's being taken far too seriously is my feelings about the entire situation.

August 24, 2010 at 11:18 AM
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