-Okay, so Woody and the gang start out the movie in dramatic reenactment of a train heist, involving alien orphans and death-by-monkey. It is epic.
-Then, shit gets real when, after a home-video montage, we are down to the core characters (Wheezy's gone! Bo Peep's gone! ETCH IS GONE!!!), banished to the toy box for years. In a sad attempt at reinvigorating playtime, they steal Andy's cell phone and call it, so he has to dig through the chest to find it. He callously tosses Rex aside to get the blasted thing. We are left to wonder who the real monster is.
-The army men, their mission complete, parachute out of Andy's window, because the green troops are always the first to get thrown out. This is seriously like Rambo, guys.
-Andy is leaving for college, and through a series of unfortunate misunderstandings, Woody and co. end up donated to Sunnyside Day Care, a totalitarian wasteland where all new toys are left in the Alligator Room, the three-and-under groups of kids who are so monsterous your faith in humanity will be shaked to its core.
-Okay, shit goes down, I won't spoil it for you darlings, but I must say, there is a really intense clown.
-Also, during the climax, we get a scene of such amazing animation, one that is really, truly, genuinely (ahem) scary, some kids in the theatre starting crying.
-Why is Tim Allen credited first on the poster?
-Wait...Buzz and Jessie are dating now? NO! NEVER! Jessie and Woody are the one true couple! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
-Go see this thing, you dicks.
-Such a perfect ending, it had, I think it'd be better if we left it alone, but of course, it's making a bajillion bucks, so it may never be, but I won't mind at all, people.
-Two more days of school, bitches!
-Well, fine, three, but the first two are finals, so its not like I'm going for the last day.
-Someone stopped following me.
Schlock Mercenary: December 10, 2016 -
2 hours ago