I will not lie to you, people. I've always imagined the Green Lantern as black. Why? Because I was raised on the semi-old Justice League cartoon, where he was a strappin' black dude who kicked ass and wore jewelery better than any chick. So, being unfamiliar with comics in general, I always assumed he was black by common canon.
Then, I find out Ryan Reynolds or Chris Pine or Chris Evans or whichever (seriously, it's like they cast the same three dudes in every comic movie) has been cast. My first thought? White washing! I go to the message boards of wherever to join in the no doubt spirited outrage, only to discover, oh, wait, he's white everywhere else too. And that's how my secret dream of Morgan Freeman: Green Lantern was crushed.
What does this have to do with Donald Glover campaigning for a Spider-Man audition? On Twitter/Facebook, no less? Well, for one, it proves that the internet is an almighty thing, now tangible with real-world results, seriously, ya'll, it's getting dangerous. But, also, you see, I want a black superhero. Not because of tokenism or so I can brag about how I'm totally not racist, cause I dig Black Spider-Man.
No. It's because I miss the simpler times of my childhood. Where they always had a black guy somewhere, as this was the revolution of political-correctness. I was, you understand, crushed to find out Green Lantern wouldn't be the exact replica of my childhood ideals. Instead of this pinacle of manly badasshattery:
We'll get this dude:
Boring. More white dudes of CG-ripitude farting out shit one-liners and contrived flirtation with whichever disposable blonde person trying to pass off as a doctor/officer of da law/scientist/lawyer.
I need to have a black dude playing some form of superhero. Headlining, okay? Not wise-crackin' sidekick played by a Wayans brother. Because if I see a trailer for The Green Lantern, I'll lose my shit.
Also, let's face it, Donald Glover kicks ass. Have you seen his stand-up? I hate Comedy Central Standups, mostly because they pull whatever populice-pleasing ass-joke comedian they can find, but I watched his, because it ruled. Here's an act:
He's on Community, my designated Favorite Show Eva. He's in this crazy-awesome movie called Mystery Team. He wrote for 30 Rock. He does the best Obama impression. Sure, he's a little old, but fuck you, Tobey Maguire was still batting his emo eyelashes when he was 33! And all he did was mope and make out with Claudia and fall down!
Fuck it, just recast Green Lantern, okay? With Donald Glover. Because, quite frankly, I don't give a shit about Spider-Man.
Or, Comic Book Movie Guys, really impress me. Make a good Punisher movie.
Enjoy this maybe-offensive, maybe-genius rant, people, because I'm a-sleepin'.
Also, do wish me luck. My History class will be watching Schindler's List for another two days.
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