In Honor of Freddy

Friday, April 30, 2010 4:17 PM By Simon

Okay, so as we all know, I'm not well versed in Horror. But even I, who can not handle Pinocchio with the lights out, know who Freddy is. He is the child molester turned dream-skulking ne'er-do-well with a mommy complex. And, in honor of the latest bastardization, now A Nightmare on Elm Street, I share with you: an anecdote.

A few years ago, I was in a literacy class. In this class, we were tasked with writing horror stories. The one voted the best would be made into a movie by the class. I write a shitty story, turn it in but won't read it aloud, disqualifying myself. That's, in fact, what most people did. In fact, only a few of the most annoying girls elected to read their stories.

I read a bit, okay? I know what a good story is. And these were awful. Just awful. I will not repeat the exact words, mostly because I can't remember them, but they made my story look like fucking Thomas Pynchon.

People vote, and they vote for the last one read, an absurdly long and embarrassingly bad story by some blonde chick who's especially annoying. We have to make a movie of the thing.

I could tell you how bad the movie itself was, because it was. But I won't. That's not the point, okay? The point is, it involves some chicks watching, and thinking they're being haunted by, Freddy. Except, according to the script we were presented with, and the original story copy, Freddy starred in Friday the 13th, hacking through the highway with his infamous chainsaw and signature hockey mask.

Holy. Fuck.

That's three different movies, okay? That's Nightmare on Elm Street, that's Jason from Friday the 13th, and an orphan bit of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Also, Freddy was spelled 'Freddie'.

My god, my head nearly exploded with all the fail in that script. But, being the polite person I am, I walk over to Girl and, being as nice as I can under the circumstances, I point out to her all of her errors. I'm nice about it, okay? My voice is sweet as a motherfucker, I smile my dazzling smile, I even offer to Youtube a few clips so she may learn from her mistakes. And you know what she says thank you?

She says she doesn't want to change it.

I know. Bitch makes me go over the shittiest thing ever, and all the while, I must destroy the only good things to come out of the eighties. I stood there for a long time, dumbfounded, confused, flabbergasted. What does that mean? She knows there are heinous historical mistakes in her script and she elects not to change them? What should I do? What can I do?

I plotted my vengeance. I still do, as it would be. She's still in my school, somewhere. And when the opportunity arises, I shall destroy a precious piece of her childhood. When the time arrives, oh, it will arrive.

Have a nice Friday.


Robert said...

This post made my day better.

April 30, 2010 at 7:47 PM