To movie reviewers, critics, and bloggers

Sunday, April 18, 2010 2:38 PM By Simon

People, stop complaining. Day after day, all I hear is criticisms of the lack of originality in today's cinematic market. Sure, I may well be guilty of such rants, and yes, it's perfectly justified, but if you really don't like it, do something about it.

Think about it, people. We are movie bloggers. That means, we spend the majority of out time analyzing the fuck out of films. If you locked ten different movie critics with a Blogger account inside a room with a laptop and everything with a Criterion stamp, chances are, they'd manage to fart out a halfway-decent script. So why don't you all just team up and write the best damn movie ever, and show the world your superiority over Michael Bay is justified!

In fact, I'll get ya'll started. In one sentence, describe a movie you can guarantee will win an Oscar. Go, people.


Robert said...

What a challenge. Okay...

Three sisters (Ellen Page, Parker Posey, and Anne Hathaway) have to come to terms with a painful childhood when their mother (Meryl Streep) is diagnosed with terminal cancer in this painful, dreamlike, nostalgic and ultimately heartwarming drama directed by Michel Gondry.

If nothing else, Meryl will certainly be nominated.

April 18, 2010 at 2:57 PM
D Swizzle said...

Its already happened.

Morgan Freeman + Clint Eastwood + Matt Damon + Nelson Mandella biopic

April 18, 2010 at 3:48 PM
Univarn said...

This post is unoriginal. I mean I swear I saw this exact same thing in a blog just 2 weeks ago!

:x :P

April 18, 2010 at 4:24 PM
Simon said...

Univarn...oh, well.

April 18, 2010 at 4:52 PM
D Swizzle said...

@univarn: get a life, hombre.

April 18, 2010 at 5:33 PM
Hal said...

If Peter Morgan wrote a biopic of Humphrey Bogart.

April 18, 2010 at 6:04 PM
Univarn said...

@Dannie I was (trying) to be sarcastic :).

April 18, 2010 at 6:25 PM
Simon said...

I don't think sarcasm translates well into type. They should make an emoticon for it or something.

April 18, 2010 at 6:29 PM
Anonymous said...

Stephen Daldry doing anything would garner at least multiple nominations.

April 18, 2010 at 7:18 PM
Univarn said...

@Simon I try to imply when I'm being sarcastic through excessive use of :P or :x at the end of what I'm saying. For future reference as I'm likely to do it many times (it's in my blood).

April 18, 2010 at 7:26 PM
Simon said...

I don't know. :X looks like you're trying to kiss me or something.

April 18, 2010 at 7:32 PM
Univarn said...

well, that too, but we don't talk about that ;)

April 18, 2010 at 7:37 PM
D Swizzle said...

no one should be sarcastic on the internet. thats how hos get smacked.

April 18, 2010 at 8:37 PM
SugaryCynic said...

Oscar mad-libs:

"(person) had life all figured out, great (noun), wonderful (noun) when tragedy strikes in the form of (noun)! Soon he/she discovers that life is really less about (noun) and more about (noun). (another person, opposite gender) shows them that there's more to everything than what meets the eye. Soon, (first person) will have to face an impossible choice: finally have the (noun) they wanted, or realize that an (adjective) (noun) was right by them all along"

Now you all know the secret!

April 18, 2010 at 8:43 PM
Simon said...

Or, cut out the formula entirely and just do a period biopic that involves impersonations and/or screaming in the rain.

April 18, 2010 at 8:48 PM
Melanie's Randomness said...

I got sick of seeing the same zombie movie over & over & Over so I'm writting a zombie novel book & a screenplay to go with it. Great post! Totally great idea!!

April 18, 2010 at 9:32 PM
Castor said...

The worst is critics who complain about a movie but don't explain how it could be improved! You are right Ripley!

April 19, 2010 at 9:32 PM